Silent Song

I write this song to You though I have no words to say.

I long to sing this song to You

but my mouth just sits and stares… without a single prayer to pray

My heart isn't as it should be.

My thoughts aren't the way

they could be.  It feels like I'm left to live out this

silence…like a sentence...a still and quiet kind of violence.

Why this?  I know I should be able.  But I am not. 

I want to be like the others...and I know I ought not to compare...

and yet I stare…and I stare...as their eyes are always filled

with wonder, and their hands are raised, and their hearts are

bowed...and they abandon themselves...and yet…are not left

feeling abandoned.   I cannot stand it...I cannot stand it...

I miss You. 

I miss my face to the floor and my heart light and free.

 I miss Your Arms around me...Your songs that

would surround me.

 I miss the cradling in my bed in the serenity of Your presence. 

I had never had this.

 It seems it was but a blink of time when You found me so empty and said “no more.”

I relive that moment day after day with the hope of

another...please lift me from this utter...place of me...me....me...

lift my eyes from the floor so I may see...see...see-

the Hand that reaches down to save me, I know You are still

able, Savior- SAVE ME!

Don't leave me here to wonder and roam about as if I'm a lost thing. 

If I die another death...I am afraid I'll never rise…I'll never sing.

My heart is far from proper…my tears aren't always contrite.  My lips too often tremble and

my right's too often bent on being right.

 But oh sweet Jesus when You love me, that love is more than a thousand dreams

of a thousand wishes that have all come true!  I JUST WANT YOU!

Too often I forget to pray, and darted eyes tell stories of

priorities depraved...I won't promise that I'll ever get this right,

but I bow before You anyway...this day...this is the day…THIS NIGHT.

To know the truth without the flutter.  To speak the Word

without the warmth.  It's a hypocrite's dilemma...a confession

of double minded obsession and desperation for a change that

only You can provide!  If only I could hide!  If I could change

it myself...(oh how You know I have tried.)

 I want to move forward, but there's so much backward that has been left undone.  They

still grab at me- lunging from dark and hidden places.  I was

a child....but never a child.  I long to cry, but am afraid to

stay too long...afraid if I say hello that I will forget how

to say goodbye. 

We aren't supposed to address these things. 

We are supposed to be okay...to be free.  Others smile and you can see

How they are healed...and yet some still hold tightly to

their secret chains...afraid that they will never change...afraid

to be revealed...and oh the anguish that this brings...watching

under the weight of it all...just watching them as they sing. 

And yet you know this should not matter, and their words of hope should not bring shatter to the

pieces, but they do…as they whisper, “Sister, you should feel this too…”

But instead I remember the silent song….a lullaby of right is wrong…and am left with empty arms and a

mouth that utters nonsense to the wind…(where once stood my first and sweetest friend.)

and I don’t know why I am haunted still.  (I don’t know if I ever will.)

But after a night of unforgiving darkness passes, the light that comes is almost blinding…behind tired and defensive lids an angry red reminding-

That

I am not forsaken

I will rest but I will not faint..as

I wait here beside the road less traveled, on soil that's been freshly graveled,

with calouses upon my bended knees...

and one day soon…I too will sing.

Praying Inside the Lines...

Recently, a friend going through a grievous trial asked the question, "If God is in control of everything and is going to do what He wants, then what is the point of prayer?"  This wasn't a question asked out of anger.  It was an honest imploring question from her heart as she wrestled with being prayerful, trusting His sovereignty and ultimate decision, and trying her hardest to please her heavenly Father.  The dilemma was this:  she believed that there were many promises that pointed towards a certain outcome that she desired, but she also knew that sometimes God answers in ways that aren't how we believe they should end.  So she wanted to on one hand, believe with her whole heart in faith, that God was going to answer the way that she needed Him to, but she also wanted to leave room for Him to give a different answer and so she wondered, "Is that a lack of faith or is it an umbrella of trust in His character?"  

How many of you have wrestled with these same questions?  Maybe you didn't realize that you had until you read that and recognized it as truth.  I am not going to try and pretend that I can give you an answer that satisfies all of these questions, because at the end of the day, God is God and we cannot possibly understand all of His ways.  I can, however, suggest that although her heart was filled with many questions, that they actually indicate that her faith was quite strong regardless of the outcome of the situation.  Her ultimate heart motive in this situation was to please Him. She desired more than anything for her heart, mind, and strength to all be in line with His will.  God does not ask us to know everything or demand that we decode some magic combination in order for His will to be done in our lives as He so deems.  He asks us to put our faith and trust in Him, seeking His Kingdom first, and then promises that all of these things will be added to us (Matthew 6:33).  Is that not what she was doing?  If you find yourself in a similar situation, is that not what you too are asked to do?  

So back to the original question?  "What is the point in praying then?"  It depends really.  If you have an unwavering solution to your problem that is crystal clear and that you have painted perfectly, then I'm not sure if there is a point.  There is another type of prayer though, that may have a certain hope in mind, is filled with trust, but has left the framing to be finished by the Father. When You pray to your God in agreement to His Word, you release your hold on the situation.  You release that control; that picture that you have painted of how it should look in the end.  If God answers in a way that you didn't imagine, it doesn't shake your faith, because you know that the landscape He is creating is much more beautiful than anything you could have ever dreamt up, "...as it is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" -- the things God has prepared for those who love him-"- 1 Corinthians 2:9

Who is holding your life's paintbrush today?

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts."- Isaiah 55:8-9

Jesus turned around and, seeing her, He said, Take courage, daughter! Your faith has made you well. And at once the woman was restored to health.  Matthew 9:12

So that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men (human philosophy), but in the power of God.  1 Corinthians 2:5

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.- Matthew 6:33

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.- Ephesians 2:10

However, as it is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" -- the things God has prepared for those who love him-1 Corinthians 2:9

My Life's Prayer...

Many waters cannot quench the love that You Lord, have for me, neither can the floods drown it (Song of Solomon 8:7) I am most blessed because my transgressions are forgiven and my sins are covered.  I am blessed because You Lord do not count my sins against me and there is no deceit in my spirit.  When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.  For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.  Then I acknowledged my sin to you  and did not cover up my iniquity.  I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord. ”And you forgave the guilt of my sin. I have prayed faithfully to You Lord in a time where you could be found; and so surely the rising of the mighty waters will not reach me.  You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.  You will instruct me and teach me in the way I should go; You will counsel me with Your loving eye on me.  In light of this, I will not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle in order to move forward. Your unfailing love surrounds me because I trust in You.  I Rejoice in You Lord and am glad and I sing! (Psalms 32)

Praise be to You,  God and Father of my Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts me in all my troubles, so that I can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort I myself have received from You.  For just as I share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ,so also my comfort abounds through Christ. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5) I continue to Sow righteousness for myself, so that I may reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up my unplowed ground.  I was called and will continue to seek You Lord, until You come and shower Your righteousness upon me. (Hosea 10:12)  “I move forward each day forgetting the former things and choosing to not dwell on the past because I see that You are doing a new thing!  Now it springs up and I perceive it!  You are making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wastelands of my life.  (Isaiah 43:18-19)

“Everyday I come to You thirsty, I come to the waters...I get still and listen to You, and eat what is good... I Give ear and I come to You; I listen so that I may live... I seek You Lord while You may be found; I  call on You while You are near...“For Your thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”You say to me.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are Your ways higher than my ways and Your thoughts than my thoughts.  As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is Your Word that goes out from Your Mouth concerning me:  It will not return to You empty, but will accomplish what You desire  and achieve the purpose for which You sent it. (Isaiah 55)  The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because You, Lord, have anointed me to proclaim The Good News to the poor as You have proclaimed it to me.  As  you bind up my broken heart, You equip me to help You bind up the brokenhearted.  As You continue to free and release this captive from a dark and lonely prison, You equip me to proclaim this truth to others as well, and to proclaim the year of Your favor and the day of Your vengeance, to comfort all of us who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on us a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  We will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of Yours for the display of Your splendor.  We will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; we will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations...And we will be Your ministers... Instead of our shame we will receive a RECOMPENSE, and instead of disgrace we will rejoice in our inheritance.  And so we will inherit a double portion in our land, and everlasting joy will be ours...In Your faithfulness You will reward us and make an everlasting covenant with us and our descendants....All who see us will acknowledge that we are a people that You have blessed.  ”I delight greatly in You Lord; my soul rejoices in You, my God.  For You have clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of Your righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.  For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so You, my Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations. (Isaiah 61)  I dwell in Your shelter oh Lord, Most High.  I abide in Your Shadow, God Almighty.  I say to You Lord, “You are my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”  You will deliver me from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.  You will cover me with Your pinions, and under Your Wings I will find refuge; Your faithfulness is a shield and buckler.  I will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.  A thousand may fall at my side, ten thousand at my right hand, but it will not come near me.  I will only look with my eyes and see the recompense of the wicked.  Because I have made You, Lord, my dwelling place—the Most High, who is my refuge—no evil shall be allowed to befall me, no plague will come near my tent.  For You will command Your angels concerning me to guard me in all of my ways.  On their hands they will bear me up, lest I strike my foot against a stone.  I will tread on the lion and the adder; the young lion and the serpent I will trample underfoot.  “Because I hold fast to You in love, You will deliver me;  You will protect me, because I know Your Name.  When I call to You, You will answer me;  You will be with me in trouble; You will rescue me and honor me.  With long life You will satisfy me and show me Your salvation.” (Psalms 91)  

Lord, please help me to remember these promises and always remain in Your Loving protection; in that place where I no longer have to pretend to be anything other than exactly who I am; accepting that You called me this way, accepting that You love me this way, accepting and equipping me for the work that You have planned for, and accepting the Truth that my heart is being transformed into Your likeness day after day and will continue to do so until the day You return, in which I will share in Your glory forevermore!  

Amen

Fear is not my Name...

Last night I had a fearful Savannah come to me with a torn heart.  She had agreed to have a sleepover with one of her good friends but only because she didn't want to disappoint her. You see, her friend has a "hissy cat" that oftentimes attacks for no reason.  The thought of spending the night with that cat on the loose vs letting her friend down were the two choices laid out before her.  In order to help her sort through her feelings and make a decision, I had her speak to herself as if she were giving a friend advice.  I knew that she would never ask a friend to spend the  night in fear, and I hoped that once she looked at it from that perspective, that she would let herself off the hook as well.

I have made many compromises lately in order to avoid disappointing others.  I have been left feeling anxious and confused and wondering what is wrong with me and what God wants me to learn from this.  I say lately, but really this has been a lifetime struggle and it leaks into my relationship with Him as I am constantly feeling like I'm letting others down...letting Him down...and wondering how long He will "put up" with my divided heart.  As God so often does, He spoke to my own heart as I spoke to hers, and He asked me to apply this same method to myself and what I have been wrestling with as well:

"I see you struggling.  I see what your desire is.  God would never turn a heart away that is so desperate for Him!  You are being confused in order to darken your heart.  Fear is the weapon of choice but it is not yours to own as if it was your name and in your skin.  You have been made to be confused so that fear can easily trap you as you run to Him.  He is bigger than your fear and cannot be pushed away by it.  You weren't saved because you were fearless.  You were saved because you turned to Jesus and called Him Lord.  Do not let fear stop you from believing or taint the Gospel.  It is a choice!  You are still breathing!  The Holy Spirit lives to bring about the change that you are so desperate for.  Just believe!  Do not look back and fear.  Do not look forward and fear.  Instead, look up right now and believe!!"

All of us are lacking in one (or several) areas, or else we probably wouldn't even recognize our need for a savior.  What matters is whether or not we recognize that.  An animal would never willingly walk into a trap..by nature it is deceptive, but there is always something that draws that animal into it's clutches. Mine seems to be the need to please everyone and to find perfection in all things.  Yours may look different, but the bait is still intended for the same purpose- to confuse you, blind you, and leave you defenseless and stuck in your pain.  What matters is how you respond to this WHEN it happens.  Will you squirm around in your own strength and desperately try to pull your way out of it the way an animal does...causing more and more pain with each pull?  Or will you recognize your desperate state and cry out for help?  It is a choice.  Even if you are at this very moment looking down at bloody cuts and bruises and realizing that you have been deceived, you can choose to cry out!  He doesn't care how long you've been there or what you look like when He rescues you...He Himself was bloodied and bruised for you.  The difference?  He was not baited or trapped.  He knew exactly what He was walking into, and He chose to go anyway so that this very day you could be pulled from traps such as these and follow Him back Home to be bandaged up.  The choice is yours.

 "Fear is not my name.  It is not a part of my skin."  It is not so much a part of me that I am left without a choice in the matter, no matter how loud it screams that I am. True, that unless my sins- ALL OF THEM- were nailed  to that cross with Jesus Christ, then I cannot go on.  If there was anything left to do after the night my Lord was crucified, then I cannot do it.  If there are qualifications for being chosen, then I do not qualify.  If there is a limit as to how many times I can stumble as a Christian, then I have already exceeded them. If there is any sort of loophole to grace to be found, then I'm sure to have found it. There is not one ounce of me that doesn't contain that which nailed His Hands and Feet to that Cross.  But my faith is in Him and is dependent upon the FINISHED work at Calvary.  I am pressing on in the belief that His faithfulness is bigger than my doubts and my fears...and that those too were included on the night of His death, because He did not call to me so that I could walk through life afraid.  Fear is not my name.  It is not a part of my skin.

Behind the Mask

Holding firmly to my mask; clenching tightly to protect it's position...hands ready to let go and let it fall.  "Take it off," they speak with soft eyes and kind hearts, but nobody likes to see the pain behind the mask.  Nobody likes to see the ugly truth and the depths to which it sinks...the putrid way it stinks.  Maybe the struggle, but never the denial and never the days of dark when words are sharp, voices are raised, and eyes dart back and forth in confrontation...there's nobody there for that kind of truth.  That kind of truth is always alone and so desperately needs a kind word or touch even if it snaps back or flinches when given.  I want to release my mask, but I'm afraid that if I take it off and stand there naked and exposed, that the rejection will be more than I can bare...and once it falls, the mask will lose it's warmth and grow cold on the ground where it lies...and then what will I hide behind?  The truth is that this all shouldn't matter.  The truth is that it all still does.  Half of the hiding is in knowing that I shouldn't feel this way...in knowing that by now my face should be exposed and reflect His eyes...His smile...His love...and some days it does... these days where the mask begins to itch and shift uncomfortably on my face in such a way that causes me to lift my hands up to rip it away...and maybe someday I will...maybe that will be today.

The Longest Winter

This Winter in good ol' Minot, North Dakota has been an unusually long one.  It has been so bad that even the locals here are fed up.  Wherever you go, whatever you do, no matter how many different topics are spoken about, it all inevitably leads up to the weather. When will it end? Our hearts began budding close to two months ago, but the snow kept on coming along with endless promises from the local weathermen with their sunny, cloudless taunts. I have spent the past couple of months cheering everyone on in their pale skinned gloom and doom- "Don't give up now!  It's coming! It's coming!  Just hang in there for a little while longer!" but inwardly sighing each day as I open my kitchen shades to be blinded yet again by that piercing white snow and matching sky.  One day, after hearing the words, "I'm sorry baby, it's still too cold outside to ride your bike," my six year old daughter had had enough.  In one sweeping motion she went from smiling and upright, to flailing arms and legs, fists pounding the cold hard ground, tears pouring out of her head in every which direction, and a muffled cry of, "I'm tired of it!  I just want to play!  When will the snow just go away??!!?!?!?!" Staring down at her, I had to force myself to keep from laughing...not because I thought that her pain and frustration was funny, but because she had just so perfectly executed my own heart's cry along with everyone else's around here.  I had been so busy trying to stay positive and here she was just letting the town of Minot have it!  Now I am not suggesting that her approach was the correct one, but in that moment I sure did admire her ability to express her frustration so...visually.  

The truth is, that is a pretty vivid picture of how my life has been for the past 3 or so years.  Outwardly, you will hear me say the words, "Don't give up now!  It's coming!  It's coming!  Just hang in there for a little while longer!" but inwardly, if I were as honest as my daughter was that day, I'm oftentimes found pounding my fists onto the cold hard ground, begging God for this season to just end already!  I've been battling out this ugly war inside of my mind and heart for so long and giving it so many different names (condemnation, depression, anxiety, etc...) trying to determine the best way to arm myself for each morning's skirmish, but sometimes...in spite of the many, many promises that this season will end and there are sunny days ahead if I will just hold on,"I'm tired of it!  I just want to worship!  When will this struggle just go away??!?!?!?!!" 

 On one of these such days this past week, I pulled up into my driveway and saw a piece of folded paper on top of a pile of melting snow.  It was clear that it had been buried and preserved under those layers and layers of snow for who knows how many months.  To be honest, at first I thought it was a note that had fallen out of my teenager's pocket and curiosity got the best of me.  I opened it up (you know you would have too) and found that it was in fact, two scriptures that I had written down at some point and must have dropped.  The lettering was still perfectly clear and not a drop of ink had been smudged.  The first scripture read, "I am still confident of this:  I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" (Psalm 27:13-14).  First of all, let's just acknowledge how funny God can be...because there are many scriptures about waiting on God, but in the land of the living?  If you've ever lived in the frozen tundra, then you know that after a few months of winter, you are begging to see life!  Anything!  A squirrel becomes a beacon of light and a butterfly??  Oh, I get giddy just thinking about it!  So for that particular scripture to be buried like treasure beneath the snow and preserved for such a day as that one,  was just flat out neat!  The second scripture read, "It is for freedom that Christ has set [me] free.  [I will] stand firm, then, and [will not let myself] be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1). That sounded familiar...I mean, that has been one of my "go to" scriptures for a while now, but I knew that I had just recently read it.  I pondered on this for a while and then moved onto making dinner and whatever else the rest of the night had to offer.  

The next morning, as I went to review my Bible study/devotion from the day before (the one that I had gotten so frustrated with that I almost threw my book across the room), there it was again- Galatians 5:1. Huh...well that was timely.  If I hadn't been in such a foul mood, I might have made that connection the night before. A few minutes later, I opened up an email and there it was yet again, Galatians 5:1.  I am a slow learner at times and God has to repeat Himself to get my attention.  He had my attention.  Why did Christ set me free? For freedom it says...  Well duh, right?  Except for, if I thought about it, I have been living like a prisoner for the past few years, so maybe He's trying to tell me something..."Stand firm, then, and do not be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" it goes on to say.  Oh, but how hard I have tried!!!  I've tried so hard and so many times for so long, that some days it feels like an impossibility to ever get out from under the weight of it all.  

I thought back again to those scriptures weighed down and buried so deeply beneath that cold, hard snow...and yet, perfectly preserved.  A picture began to form in my mind then, of a beautiful soul buried beneath the weight of this world... a "yoke of slavery" that defies the very freedom to which it has been called.  Such a hopeless picture at first, but if you look closely, you can see the water rising beneath...as the snow begins to melt...and the ink becomes clearer and clearer as it crawls to the surface...perfectly preserved for such a day as this!  Could it be that this cold season is finally coming to an end?  Do I dare hope?  I do.  I do dare, because God promises me that I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of THE LIVING...and so I will wait for the Lord..." I will continue to wait,  because His Spirit whispers to mine, ""Don't give up now!  It's coming! It's coming!  Just hang in there for a little while longer!"

"My beloved spoke and said to me,
    “Arise, my darling,
    my beautiful one, come with me.
¹¹ See! The winter is past;
    the rains are over and gone."

Song of Songs 2:10-11

True Love's Kiss

Beauty from ashes; true love's kiss.
You found me in chains; a broken child of fears and fists.

You told me I was beautiful; yeah, You told me I was Yours.
Beauty from ashes; Oh how I need you near me, Lord.
Oh, but no one ever said this would be easy

and as I'm liftin' up my hands;
my heart still breaks but pain's the plan sometimes it seems;
(someday redeemed)
And it takes faith to keep on tryin' when your eyes just keep on cryin'
but just keep on cryin'


Beauty from ashes; true love's kiss.
You broke all these chains; yeah You did all of this.

You told me I was beautiful; yeah, You told me I was Yours.
Beauty from ashes; oh, how I need you more and more.
Oh, but no one ever said this would be easy (and it ain't easy)

Every day I keep on yearnin', and I long to feel that burnin' in my soul (oh God, I'm growin' cold)
But  it takes faith to keep on tryin' when your eyes just keep on cryin'
so just keep on cryin'


Beauty from ashes; true love's kiss.
You called my name.  You nailed my shame. You died for all of this.

You told me I was beautiful; yeah, You told me I was Yours.
Beauty from ashes; it's You I adore.

You never said it would be easy.  You only said you'd never leave me (never leave me)
and so tonight I'll close my eyes;
I'll be still and I'll hold on tight to my Jesus...
my Sweet Jesus...

Once and for All

I am forgiven.  Once was for all.

I am forgiven forever.  I've been freed from that fall.

There is nothing, I said nothing that can be said or can be done that could ever separate me from God's One and only Son.

I am free.  Free to be who I am.

I have been freed- by the Great I Am.

So who could say anything or do what I so fear?

I cannot be lost, I will not be tossed, so I will go and draw near.

I am redeemed.  A child of the Living Lord.

I have been redeemed- so what do I keep searching for?

Why am I scared?

Why do I hide?  

Why do I listen to those lies?

I am redeemed, forever made clean, I will lift up my eyes.

I am restored.  My life has been spoken for.

Oh yes, restored.  A precious child of the risen Lord.

The darkness made light, the truth and the life, oh nothing I said nothing could keep me a prisoner of this world.

and so I sing!  Yes I sing to my King- a song of -I am free!  A song of blessed be!  I will sing forever to my King!