Silent Song

I write this song to You though I have no words to say.

I long to sing this song to You

but my mouth just sits and stares… without a single prayer to pray

My heart isn't as it should be.

My thoughts aren't the way

they could be.  It feels like I'm left to live out this

silence…like a sentence...a still and quiet kind of violence.

Why this?  I know I should be able.  But I am not. 

I want to be like the others...and I know I ought not to compare...

and yet I stare…and I stare...as their eyes are always filled

with wonder, and their hands are raised, and their hearts are

bowed...and they abandon themselves...and yet…are not left

feeling abandoned.   I cannot stand it...I cannot stand it...

I miss You. 

I miss my face to the floor and my heart light and free.

 I miss Your Arms around me...Your songs that

would surround me.

 I miss the cradling in my bed in the serenity of Your presence. 

I had never had this.

 It seems it was but a blink of time when You found me so empty and said “no more.”

I relive that moment day after day with the hope of

another...please lift me from this utter...place of me...me....me...

lift my eyes from the floor so I may see...see...see-

the Hand that reaches down to save me, I know You are still

able, Savior- SAVE ME!

Don't leave me here to wonder and roam about as if I'm a lost thing. 

If I die another death...I am afraid I'll never rise…I'll never sing.

My heart is far from proper…my tears aren't always contrite.  My lips too often tremble and

my right's too often bent on being right.

 But oh sweet Jesus when You love me, that love is more than a thousand dreams

of a thousand wishes that have all come true!  I JUST WANT YOU!

Too often I forget to pray, and darted eyes tell stories of

priorities depraved...I won't promise that I'll ever get this right,

but I bow before You anyway...this day...this is the day…THIS NIGHT.

To know the truth without the flutter.  To speak the Word

without the warmth.  It's a hypocrite's dilemma...a confession

of double minded obsession and desperation for a change that

only You can provide!  If only I could hide!  If I could change

it myself...(oh how You know I have tried.)

 I want to move forward, but there's so much backward that has been left undone.  They

still grab at me- lunging from dark and hidden places.  I was

a child....but never a child.  I long to cry, but am afraid to

stay too long...afraid if I say hello that I will forget how

to say goodbye. 

We aren't supposed to address these things. 

We are supposed to be okay...to be free.  Others smile and you can see

How they are healed...and yet some still hold tightly to

their secret chains...afraid that they will never change...afraid

to be revealed...and oh the anguish that this brings...watching

under the weight of it all...just watching them as they sing. 

And yet you know this should not matter, and their words of hope should not bring shatter to the

pieces, but they do…as they whisper, “Sister, you should feel this too…”

But instead I remember the silent song….a lullaby of right is wrong…and am left with empty arms and a

mouth that utters nonsense to the wind…(where once stood my first and sweetest friend.)

and I don’t know why I am haunted still.  (I don’t know if I ever will.)

But after a night of unforgiving darkness passes, the light that comes is almost blinding…behind tired and defensive lids an angry red reminding-

That

I am not forsaken

I will rest but I will not faint..as

I wait here beside the road less traveled, on soil that's been freshly graveled,

with calouses upon my bended knees...

and one day soon…I too will sing.