I write this song to You though I have no words to say.
I long to sing this song to You
but my mouth just sits and stares… without a single prayer
to pray
My heart isn't as it
should be.
My thoughts aren't the way
they could be. It
feels like I'm left to live out this
silence…like a sentence...a still and quiet kind of
violence.
Why this? I know I
should be able. But I am not.
I want to be like the others...and I know I ought not to
compare...
and yet I stare…and I stare...as their eyes are always
filled
with wonder, and their hands are raised, and their hearts
are
bowed...and they abandon themselves...and yet…are not left
feeling abandoned. I
cannot stand it...I cannot stand it...
I miss You.
I miss my face to the floor and my heart light and free.
I miss Your Arms
around me...Your songs that
would surround me.
I miss the cradling in my bed
in the serenity of Your presence.
I had never had this.
It seems it was but a
blink of time when You found me so empty and said “no more.”
I relive that moment day after day with the hope of
another...please lift me from this utter...place of
me...me....me...
lift my eyes from the floor so I may see...see...see-
the Hand that reaches down to save me, I know You are still
able, Savior- SAVE ME!
Don't leave me here
to wonder and roam about as if I'm a lost thing.
If I die another death...I am afraid I'll never rise…I'll
never sing.
My heart is far from proper…my tears aren't always
contrite. My lips too often tremble and
my right's too often bent on being right.
But oh sweet Jesus when
You love me, that love is more than a thousand dreams
of a thousand wishes that have all come true! I JUST WANT YOU!
Too often I forget to pray, and darted eyes tell stories of
priorities depraved...I won't promise that I'll ever get
this right,
but I bow before You anyway...this day...this is the
day…THIS NIGHT.
To know the truth without the flutter. To speak the Word
without the warmth.
It's a hypocrite's dilemma...a confession
of double minded obsession and desperation for a change that
only You can provide!
If only I could hide! If I could
change
it myself...(oh how You know I have tried.)
I want to move
forward, but there's so much backward that has been left undone. They
still grab at me- lunging from dark and hidden places. I was
a child....but never a child. I long to cry, but am afraid to
stay too long...afraid if I say hello that I will forget how
to say goodbye.
We aren't supposed to address these things.
We are supposed to be okay...to be free. Others smile and you can see
How they are healed...and yet some still hold tightly to
their secret chains...afraid that they will never
change...afraid
to be revealed...and oh the anguish that this
brings...watching
under the weight of it all...just watching them as they
sing.
And yet you know this should not matter, and their words of
hope should not bring shatter to the
pieces, but they do…as they whisper, “Sister, you should
feel this too…”
But instead I remember the silent song….a lullaby of right
is wrong…and am left with empty arms and a
mouth that utters nonsense to the wind…(where once stood my
first and sweetest friend.)
and I don’t know why I am haunted still. (I don’t know if I ever will.)
But after a night of unforgiving darkness passes, the light
that comes is almost blinding…behind tired and defensive lids an angry red
reminding-
That
I am not forsaken
I will rest but I will not faint..as
I wait here beside the road less traveled, on soil that's been
freshly graveled,
with calouses upon my bended knees...
and one day soon…I too will sing.
