Pregnant With Expectation...

We came to Minot with expectations.

After 2+ years of fertility issues, we came to Minot expecting...a child.

Upon arrival things seemed to fall apart.  Our marriage first and foremost.  The scariest feeling in the world is to watch your everything begin to unravel...but GOD. 

 I never felt so held and protected as I did during that turmoil.  There I was- living out the answer to years’ worth of prayers, my growing child moving within my womb...and yet I could barely breathe the pain was so palpable....but GOD.  

I prayed...oh how I prayed...no amount of growing discomfort could detain me from my knees during this time.  I'd cry myself to sleep and cry myself awake again...oh...but GOD!!!!!  

The outer exterior; all of those expectations and dreams...a shattered picture seen only threw jagged shards of glass...glass that cut so deep even as I drew life from the bits of reflections that I could still see...but all the while...He sat on His Throne unmoved by how desperate it had all become.  He continued to whisper in my ear, promises of new beginnings and salvation for the things that had died in him...in me...and though my heart wavered in and out of belief through the hot tears and explosive doubt, He continued watering that mustard seed of faith that could not be moved...after all, He was the one who had planted it in the first place...and I screamed...I begged....I pleaded....drowning in my tears and drowning underneath the shower where I hid to pray in honesty...but GOD...

(Growing child, forgive me for the saturated soil from which you form!  The love that birthed you was TRUE!  It was strong even a midst the flaws…our love so fierce!  These sobs may rock you to sleep tonight baby boy, but listen to my heart as it beats for you...forgive me for this haunted lullaby.)

Behold a man who has been broken down until his eyes can face His God alone, and you will see a man in his purist, strongest form.  That beautiful man I call husband rising from the debris of the frailty of human heart.  Whispers of new life rising from the beautiful ashes of tomorrow's promise.  

Are we always giving birth?  Pregnant with love?  With hope? With faith?  

Coming to Minot in expectation of new life...giving birth to that child and so much more. 

A prayer spoken into the loneliest night: "Father...bring me a friend..."  

Oh how I'll treasure those nights of laughter...the tears...and our fragile hearts weaving in and out of battle; wounded hands reaching out and holding on so tightly.  To have a friend in the darkest night, lighting the way, and sharing the burden into the dawn is the only whispered promise to be found at times; He speaks them through sisters when ears are unable to hear.  Sweet spirits molded together before we met by our loving Father...how He beams as we reach out for each other and learn to love and trust all over again...miles apart but still in my heart my sweet friend. 

Departing Minot, North Dakota with such expectation of new life...

 I both mourn and celebrate the burial and resurrection of so many dreams...many buried years ago and forgotten....but God....

He remembers.  Made to worship!  Made to sing...Holy Spirit sing me a lullaby...in and out we dance between the lyrics and the melodies.  You've beckoned since I was a child...a loud symphony  growing fainter and fainter as the years past...but  then bursting forth into crescendo, a grown woman finds herself an ever smiling, blonde little girl chasing after Your Voice once again...singing to Your Song....following You Home!  Oh Father, how this little girl loves You so!  Made to worship, made to dream, made to love, made to sing!  "Arise my darling..."

We came to Minot with expectation of new life, and gained so much more than just that.  Though we leave Minot with fresh hope and great expectation concerning what's to come, one thing is constant, one thing always remains the same; our God.  The God who has gone before us to prepare a place for us and within us for everything to come in this new season of life; He remains the same.

We come to Columbus with such expectation....