Pregnant With Expectation...

We came to Minot with expectations.

After 2+ years of fertility issues, we came to Minot expecting...a child.

Upon arrival things seemed to fall apart.  Our marriage first and foremost.  The scariest feeling in the world is to watch your everything begin to unravel...but GOD. 

 I never felt so held and protected as I did during that turmoil.  There I was- living out the answer to years’ worth of prayers, my growing child moving within my womb...and yet I could barely breathe the pain was so palpable....but GOD.  

I prayed...oh how I prayed...no amount of growing discomfort could detain me from my knees during this time.  I'd cry myself to sleep and cry myself awake again...oh...but GOD!!!!!  

The outer exterior; all of those expectations and dreams...a shattered picture seen only threw jagged shards of glass...glass that cut so deep even as I drew life from the bits of reflections that I could still see...but all the while...He sat on His Throne unmoved by how desperate it had all become.  He continued to whisper in my ear, promises of new beginnings and salvation for the things that had died in him...in me...and though my heart wavered in and out of belief through the hot tears and explosive doubt, He continued watering that mustard seed of faith that could not be moved...after all, He was the one who had planted it in the first place...and I screamed...I begged....I pleaded....drowning in my tears and drowning underneath the shower where I hid to pray in honesty...but GOD...

(Growing child, forgive me for the saturated soil from which you form!  The love that birthed you was TRUE!  It was strong even a midst the flaws…our love so fierce!  These sobs may rock you to sleep tonight baby boy, but listen to my heart as it beats for you...forgive me for this haunted lullaby.)

Behold a man who has been broken down until his eyes can face His God alone, and you will see a man in his purist, strongest form.  That beautiful man I call husband rising from the debris of the frailty of human heart.  Whispers of new life rising from the beautiful ashes of tomorrow's promise.  

Are we always giving birth?  Pregnant with love?  With hope? With faith?  

Coming to Minot in expectation of new life...giving birth to that child and so much more. 

A prayer spoken into the loneliest night: "Father...bring me a friend..."  

Oh how I'll treasure those nights of laughter...the tears...and our fragile hearts weaving in and out of battle; wounded hands reaching out and holding on so tightly.  To have a friend in the darkest night, lighting the way, and sharing the burden into the dawn is the only whispered promise to be found at times; He speaks them through sisters when ears are unable to hear.  Sweet spirits molded together before we met by our loving Father...how He beams as we reach out for each other and learn to love and trust all over again...miles apart but still in my heart my sweet friend. 

Departing Minot, North Dakota with such expectation of new life...

 I both mourn and celebrate the burial and resurrection of so many dreams...many buried years ago and forgotten....but God....

He remembers.  Made to worship!  Made to sing...Holy Spirit sing me a lullaby...in and out we dance between the lyrics and the melodies.  You've beckoned since I was a child...a loud symphony  growing fainter and fainter as the years past...but  then bursting forth into crescendo, a grown woman finds herself an ever smiling, blonde little girl chasing after Your Voice once again...singing to Your Song....following You Home!  Oh Father, how this little girl loves You so!  Made to worship, made to dream, made to love, made to sing!  "Arise my darling..."

We came to Minot with expectation of new life, and gained so much more than just that.  Though we leave Minot with fresh hope and great expectation concerning what's to come, one thing is constant, one thing always remains the same; our God.  The God who has gone before us to prepare a place for us and within us for everything to come in this new season of life; He remains the same.

We come to Columbus with such expectation....

A Promise in the Dark

 Even now, as the battle rages on I see a bow of light in the blackest sky, and who doesn’t need a promise in the dark?

On the other side of this fear, there is such joy.  Even now You have gone ahead of us to prepare a place to celebrate this sweet victory.  Though tonight I cannot see past the pain, I know that tomorrow is a new day and new promises await us. 

The circles that have left us so exhausted will be made straight before us, and we will have energy to make love where such hate seemed to echo throughout the night…haunting every right as a wrong and transforming each try we made into defeat.  New sounds; much sweeter sounds will fill the night air then.

Our angry words will remind us of the struggle for this peace.  How our love is sought after.  It always has been.  It probably always will be.  Though tonight I lay with heavy heart, tomorrow will tell of the way our hearts run back to each other every single time. 

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly we forget that we are one.  We tear each other apart and all the while it’s all the same.  That dimness in your eyes belongs to me.  These bruises on my heart are yours to share.  But still we battle on. 

Wisdom calls out to us all the while, but we cannot hear until we’ve gotten that last word in and the damage has been done.  We pray for peace.  We pray for a different kind of way, but it always comes out sounding like the past and neither one of us cares to ask if maybe we’re mistaken.  There is a certain kind of fondness we have for those old chains anyway. At least we know where they’re taking us. Never mind that it’s nowhere.

But then, tomorrow.  Just as quickly as these waves covered and consumed us, they will crash to the shore having washed our soiled hands and soiled hearts.  Our hearts will beat faster.  Our words will be softer.  Our bodies will grow closer.  Our love will remain.

Even tonight so far apart, I can hear you whisper my name.  The screams try to drown out the sound, but I can still hear you whisper, “It’ll be okay.”  And who doesn’t need a promise in the dark?

A Letter to a Friend

2004

You call out through tears.  

You call out to me through tears and I tremble...because I want to help so fiercely, because I know the answer, because I am so new, and I tremble at what the consequences of my words might be.

"Who am I to provide comfort?"

"I can show you the light if you'll let me lead you."

"Wasn't it only 6 months ago that I had given up and told you not to bother?"

"I know the Truth now- let me help you!"

"I'll only make things worse..."

I tremble because the voice that screams and taunts me is a lie, but from where you are falling it is a reality.  It is a reality of such precision and wicked conciseness, that for every hope I can spark inside of you, a series of cackling dead ends are sure to echo in response.  I tremble because I remember.  It was only 6 months ago that I answered faithfully to the taunting lies myself.  

The world screams- "Open your mind!"

The world screams- "How can you really know?"

The world screams- "Sex, career, self-sufficiency, science- ME, ME, ME!!"

But what has the world ever done for YOU, YOU, YOU?!?  It's turned its back on your salvation and tossed you the "American nightmare" over its shoulder. It doesn't know your name and doesn't care.  The tears you cry- does the world patiently sit still and wipe your eyes?  No- it screams, 

"You must not be following the formula then- get out there and do something!"  

The world's idea of love is based solely on personal fulfillment- and the kids, don't forget the kids.  In Christ's Eyes, we are all His children- and He doesn't need to be told to remember.  The world's idea of intelligence is impressive- the only catch is (and there is always a catch in this world)- is this- you must surrender eternity and live a lie in order to be revered by the majority.  This is the world's idea, but the world does not have the last word.  The world has not even one word that can defend itself against God.  

The child does not rule the mother, the salt does not tell the food it needs to be seasoned, and the creatures in the ocean do not tell the waters when to wave.  The world cannot make its lies the truth, and it cannot make you nothing because of it!  The Lord has called your name and because of it the world hates you...and to that, I say- AMEN!

To Tell the Truth

How many of you wish that something in your life were different?  “If only “this” or “that” were different, then I would be happy”….  Happy….  What in the world made any of us think that we were put on this earth to be happy?

How many of us live our lives though, in the pursuit of this “happy” that- let’s be honest, is usually short lived?  If we all could just understand who we are; what it means to be “made in the image of God,” and the purposes for which He created us, then how would our lives be changed?  I believe this is why so many of us are miserable.  Very few of us understand who we really are in the eyes of God.  And when I say God, how do I spell this?  J-E-S-U-S.

Who is Jesus?  Is He some Barbie deity that we dress up in different costumes for different occasions based on what works for us at the moment?  Does He work for us, or do we submit to Him?  Submission isn’t a popular term in our culture, but that doesn’t mean that we get to change God to suit this fact.  Did Jesus proclaim to the people that “truth is relative, and if it feels right than please by all means, pursue it?  I just want you to be HAPPY!”  No, what He actually said, was- “I am THE way and THE truth and THE life.  No one comes to the Father except through me” John 14:6 (NIV).  He did not say, “I am one of many ways,” or “I am one of many truths,” or, “I am one choice among many for the life giving salvation that the world needs.”  No, He was perfectly clear on this issue.  There is only one way to the Father, and what is that way?  THROUGH HIM.  How do you spell him?  J-E-S-U-S.  He did not lay down His life that day so that we could say with our mouths that we know Him or love Him, and then turn around and teach worldly “truths” in His name that are contrary to what He said.  Jesus was NOT politically correct.  He called it like it was.  He came to convict the world.  He is NOT “the great enabler.”  Is this a popular belief these days?  Absolutely not.  That doesn’t change the truth though.

So many people don’t believe in truth anymore.  They believe that truth to one person can be true for them, while another truth for another person can be true for them as well…basically, the only thing that cannot be absolutely true, is TRUTH!  But, is that not an absolute statement??  So it can’t be true, right?

So many people have this image today of Christians as judgmental and close-minded, but the irony here is that our culture is quickly closing their minds against us in the name of open-mindedness.  Christianity is not about judgment.  It is about forgiveness….love….grace…..but in order to be forgiven, you have to know that you have wronged God or that you even need to be forgiven for that matter.

People will say things like, “If I am a good person, than when I die I will go to heaven.”  What does a good person look like to a perfect God?  It’s like one man who is 8 ft. tall saying to another who is 6 ft. tall, “I am closer to touching the moon than you are!”  There is no such thing as a good person.  We are all in the same boat here.  Fortunately for us, God does not play favorites with His children.  The only thing that He requires of us is that we call Him our Father. I’d say that is a pretty reasonable request for a God that left His throne in His perfect Kingdom to come live a life marked by unacceptance, mockery, betrayal, abuse, and an excruciatingly painful death.  

He didn’t have to do it you know….but He saw YOUR face….and He couldn’t be without you….and a perfect and just God cannot allow sin into His Kingdom….it would be unjust and it would make Him a liar, which He is not.  BUT, He saw YOUR face down here….He saw your tears…and He couldn’t take it another second, so He left His Kingdom, came down to earth, and eventually He laid His life down for YOU.  All He wants is a “yes.”  That’s it!  The rest of the job is His!  It’s not your responsibility to “be converted” and then try to be perfect!  You will NEVER be perfect, so HE came in your place; the perfect sacrifice, and when you say yes to Him, He sends the Holy Spirit to you and you are changed.  Suddenly, His desires become your desires as well….you’ll fail of course…A LOT….but He’s right there at your side, holding your hand and rooting you on.

Christianity is not a religion.  It is a relationship with Jesus Christ.  There are no rigid rules and regulations that you have to follow.  You don’t sign a contract stating that you will hate gays and only vote Republican for the rest of your life.  It begins with OPENING YOUR MIND to the possibility that out of all of the available religions and philosophies surrounding you, WHAT IF those crazy Christians are right?  What if we are?  What then?  Could you not just consider it for a second?  Or MAYBE, you have been for a long time and you just don’t know what to do about it.  With a repentant heart…. tell Him that you believe Him…that you know that you are a sinner in need of His salvation…that you want to know Him…and then ask Him to come into your heart….or something along those lines that is personal between the two of you. That’s it.  HE DOES THE REST.

One last thing I would like to address, is people feeling insulted by Christians “pushing” their beliefs off on them.  I am going to assume that you understand the premise of what we believe.  Let me ask you then, based on that understanding, what would you think of me if I didn’t push?  If you had the cure for cancer, and your friend was in front of you on their deathbed, would you give them the cure?  What if your friend didn’t believe they had cancer?  Or they knew, but they didn’t believe that there was such a thing as a cure?  What if you knew they might even possibly no longer want to be your friend if you shared this knowledge with them?  What would you do?  What should I do?  Some of you are in front of me on a daily basis…and you are hurting…and I have the cure.  I love you too much to not tell you about it.

Good Enough FOR Me

Do you believe that there is such a thing as “good” people?  Or perhaps, you know some “good” Christians?  We throw this word “good” around all of the time; usually in reference to people that we love and admire and in response to something positive that they did.  I’d like to challenge you to consider the fallacy of this type of thinking, and ask you to consider that it is performance driven rather than Grace driven, thus contrary to the Word of God.  I believe that this subtle and seemingly innocent false perception often times grows into something quite larger and can in effect have a negative impact on non believers, believers, and ultimately the Body of Christ.

Defending “Goodness” or Throwing Under the Bus

We’ve all seen it happen time and time again; a well known Christian falls into sin and suddenly, “BAM!” their own personal shame becomes a spectacle for all of the world to watch and to judge.  When this occurs, the secular media, of course, immediately takes hold of the story and screams, “Aha! We knew it!  See? Those Christians are no good!” While this can be disconcerting, it is to be expected. What is a little bit more surprising, however, is the way that other Christians oftentimes respond to such news.  One of two reactions typically unfold; believers immediately begin defending the goodness and decency of this man (or woman), or they throw him or her under the bus and even question their relationship with God altogether.

The problem with both of these responses is the underlying implication of a performance based relationship with God, with the burden of “goodness” coming from man rather than from the Work of Jesus Christ.  So if this spotlighted Christian hadn’t screwed up for all of us to see, would that have made him or her a good person? Why?  Because they spoke nicely (when everyone was looking)?  Did nice things for others (for all to see)?  The Bible is very clear that we are ALL sinners (Romans 3:23) and that to even suggest otherwise is in opposition to God’s Truth (1 John 1:8), so why do we who walk in the Truth act so surprised to see it and rush in to respond in ways that are so contrary to it?  Why do we so easily exchange the gift of grace for the subtle lie that it was bought and that it came with conditions?

Good in HIM

The idea that being a Christian makes you good is both true and false, but entirely dependent upon what your definition of “good” is. Doing good works is wonderful, but if they are acting as a reference point in your heart to determine whether or not other Christians (or you, yourself) are measuring up, then I can almost guarantee you that you are headed for a burn out and are in danger of ruining your witness while you are at it.  Why?  Because the only good that we can claim as Christians is found in our identity in Christ and the good that is in HIM.  It is because we have died and are now hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3), that we can be identified as being good at all.  We are only as good as we are hidden in Christ, but guess what?  That is entirely!  This means that we don’t have to run around frantically trying to earn our Father’s approval.  Jesus did this for us already on the cross. The moment that we forget that our only defense is the Blood of Jesus Christ, we begin walking in our own strength, outside of God’s will, and likely into sin.  It is then that the enemy of our soul says, “Aha! Aha! With [my] own eyes [I] have seen it…Aha, just want [I] wanted!… [I] have swallowed him up.” (Psalm 35:12 &35).

Being a “good” Christian means admitting that you cannot earn forgiveness because you do not deserve forgiveness.  You have received His forgiveness based solely on Christ’s Work and nothing that you have or have not done.  Anything else is a presumption that you in some way merited it to begin with.  Oh, that humility and repentance would wash over our hearts and fill us with the knowledge that Grace is a gift that can in no, way, shape, or form be earned or lost, and that the very act of taking hold of it is an admittance that there was and still is nothing that we could have ever done to obtain it.

Jesus is Good

I’m as guilty as the next person of hoisting those that I admire up onto a pedestal. When we recognize the heart of Christ in others, we can so easily forget that they are still human beings who are in the process of sanctification.  They could never possibly live up to the heights that we have placed them.  So what do you say? Let’s do them all a favor and take them down!  Let’s then replace them with the only One who has a right to be on that pedestal to begin with; the One who is behind the scenes doing the sanctifying work; our Lord, Jesus Christ, who is the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2).

Identity in Crisis

If you feel like getting into a heated debate or argument, just mention the topic of homosexuality and the Church’s position on it, and you will most assuredly find yourself smack dab in the middle of one. It is one of, if not THE most divisive issues in America today, and I would venture as far as to say that more people are kept from the Gospel because of this than anything else.  How did this happen? Why homosexuality in-particular ?  And as Christians how should we respond?

Politically Correct

What began in America as a well intended desire to respect and love others regardless of their religion, ethnicity, and other differences, has now morphed into fear of man in the form of “political correctness.”  Tolerance has slowly become the acceptance and reshaping of immorality.  As a result, our culture is now framed in such a way that to even hint that a homosexual is in the need of repentance is translated as hatred, and so we find ourselves a people both confused and divided.

There are so many different sinful lifestyles that do not create this sort of outrage when addressed. So what is it then about homosexuality that is so different?  I believe that it is an issue of “false identity.”

False Identity

Now, I am a heterosexual woman, but I do not identify as such.  If you asked me to describe myself, I would not include my sexual preference in that description. That is not the case, however, for most people who call themselves homosexual. They identify and embrace themselves by this label.

So what happens when a loving and well intended Christian tells someone that their homosexuality is a sin?  It is translated to the individual as, “YOU are sin…the very essence of who you are is sin.”  That is very different from being told that you are a sinner in need of a savior.

Let me give you an example of what I mean by this:  I personally struggle with addiction; I might even call myself an addict, but I would never joyfully embrace this as being the core of who I am.  I would never yield to this temptation and call it my life’s purpose.  I understand it as something to overcome.

So, if upon seeing my pain, someone were to lovingly come alongside and call my addiction out as evidence that there was something missing in my life while pointing me to a Loving Savior, I may then be able to receive what was being said.  If you told me that being “Laura” were a sin, however, I wouldn’t hear another word that you said because I would feel that I was being singled out based on WHO I was rather than the universal issue of sin.

As a society, we have all agreed that addiction leads to death and that it is something to be fought off and overcome. Homosexuality is not seen in that light, however, so confronting someone based on this issue alone is not received as being loving or helpful in any way.

Confronting Sin

The Bible teaches that when confronting sin, “the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness” 2 Timothy 2:24-25.  With the way that our culture is positioned currently with our words coming across as only hateful, this seems an impossible feat. So what are we to do?

2 Timothy 2:25-26, goes on to say that, “GOD may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil…”

Did you notice who is doing the work here?  Who initiated the repentance?  Who is the teacher in this scenario?  God Himself! The issue then for the Christian, is distraction!  The enemy would have YOU also believe that homosexuals are identified by their sexual preference.  They’re not!  The issue is sin.  The issue always has been and always will be, SIN.

He will Transform

The same rules apply to homosexuals that apply to anyone else.  So what should we, as a Body, do in regards to this? Love them!  Lead them to Jesus Christ and allow Him to take care of the details of their sin the way that He took care of all of ours on that same cross!  HE will transform their heart.  HE will convict.  HE will give them their NEW and TRUE identity in Himself, and we will get to watch as prisoners are set free!

So am I suggesting that the solution is to pretend that homosexuality doesn’t exist and just entrust it into God’s Hands?  No, not any more than I believe that we should ignore any other person or group of people who are in need of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

I believe that we should continue to steadfastly pray over our country, vote when there are elections, and I truly believe that we should shed this heavy yoke of judgment that we have taken upon ourselves when we became so fixated on this issue above all others.

I believe that we should, instead, love on our people struggling with this identity crisis, plant seeds all the while and patiently wait for the Lord to bring forth the harvest in His appointed time.

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I Never Would Have Flown So Far...

July 13, 2004

If I were to die today- rejoice!

For I died in the arms of Christ and salvation and am among the Living.

If today were my last day on earth, I’d hope for singing at dusk- for wherever I shall be, there is much song and laughter!

Fall down on your knees with praise- for I am with the Lord!!

Why should tears be rolling down your face, when I might not have ever danced with angels?  Remember where I started and rejoice at where I ended- REMEMBER! 

I never would have flown so far with patience of a child.

I flew with the only moment of Grace to be had and rose to freedom before it passed!

Hold Truth steady to your hearts and don’t turn bitter as your heart would have you.

Instead, I plead with your faith- rejoice!

Forgive because He forgave.

Endure as the Truth becomes hard and your faith must be tested-

And remember where I started- always with praise for where I finished.

He is Love and I am His. 

Rest for the Nomad

4-18-2004

The nomad has subsided; finding a home. 

Virtue in truth; strength in powerlessness.

Freedom needs guidance- you don’t fight for it, you simply ask. 

A trembling awakening to the light that never seized- my eyes

were always slits. 

Chaos is created by man, and sometimes

    It

  drips

down

the mind’s red-carpet and settles for a moment to be remembered. 

If chaos is so simple to so many, then peace must be divine! 

Eyes refuse to open!

Just reach for it! 

Search and seek as you would the drugs, the sex, the conformity

of this world! 

Surrendering to yourself is only bowing down to dust, so why do

you laugh as I bow to Glory?

Do not betray the light to roll around in the dirt and then expect

to be rewarded! 

Why are we constantly amazed to find ourselves in filth? 

There is only one way to be cleansed but it seems that dirty is

preferred. 

I want to be clean! 

I yearn to be clean! 

I long to be clean! 

Jesus has made me clean!

Look and rejoice! 

He smiles when you cry out to Him-

Not because you are in pain, but because you open the door.

Wait! Don’t slam it just yet!

Listen- if for only a moment…

be quiet-if for only a pause…

If you truly are without an answer, it’s because you never

asked. 

Shhh….He’s waiting for your silence.  

Dying to Live!

           There are many different beliefs on how to get to God and many different ways to get to Jesus, but Jesus is God and the only way to get to Jesus is through the cross.  So if you want to find God then go to the cross…but don’t just stand there!  Go to the cross and look up until you see Him…and when He invites you up onto that cross…and you say, “Yes,” you must understand that you will never be the same.  If what you are looking for is a better version of the same, Jesus does not have what you desire.  If you do still choose to climb up onto that cross, however, God forbid you stay there!  For a time yes, but midnight beggar the dawn brings resurrection!  To climb upon the cross and die with Him means that death cannot hold you anymore than it could hold Him!  So resurrect beloved, resurrect!  

*Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.– John 14:6

*Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.  For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin; for he who has died is freed from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, is never to die again; death no longer is master over Him.  For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God.  Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.- Romans 6:4-11

Until These Chains Fall

Come forth My sweet dove, let Me mold you. 

In My Hand, always- I hold you.

The terrain has been rough and I’ve seen you struggle to survive.

Bring it back, (your focus)-

I am the prize.

To seek out Your treasure is my greatest pleasure. 

Oh, but It feels like dying…

As bread is broken and eyes are opened.

And though I have grieved You, You will never leave me,

                     And so

I’m trying to sing louder than the enemy can scream!

I take deep gulps of Your Living Water. 

May I never thirst for any other.

Spirit and Truth, collide in my heart!  In my mouth!  I will worship.

                     And…

Maybe You haven’t been so silent after all.    

                     And Maybe…

just…

Maybe You’ve been teaching me a new song…

 in a new language…

 all along.

All for all-

I’ll be singing and praising until these chains fall!

Lord, please make me new!

(just like You)

Set me free!

( oh I pray)

All for all-

there is no flaw, In You.

There is no flaw, In me…in YOU.

Oh!

And when You saw me, You called me, You set me free!

Laid hands upon me, straightened me!

And all I can do is praise!

I am free and my face is unveiled before my King! 

I Fix my eyes on the unseen-

the unfelt!

I draw to You nearly, so I can hear clearly…

Covered by the Blood of the Lamb, I come before the Great I Am!

That I may see, hear, and understand- turn and be healed once again.

               

From fear of man to stop me if you can. 

I’m learning to sing louder than the enemy can scream!

                And

I will sing even if my voice shakes. 

I will praise even if my heart breaks.

Come forth my sweet dove, let me mold you. 

In My Hand, always- I hold you.

The terrain has been rough and I’ve seen you struggle to survive.

Bring it back, (your focus)-

I am the prize.