Behind the Mask

Holding firmly to my mask; clenching tightly to protect it's position...hands ready to let go and let it fall.  "Take it off," they speak with soft eyes and kind hearts, but nobody likes to see the pain behind the mask.  Nobody likes to see the ugly truth and the depths to which it sinks...the putrid way it stinks.  Maybe the struggle, but never the denial and never the days of dark when words are sharp, voices are raised, and eyes dart back and forth in confrontation...there's nobody there for that kind of truth.  That kind of truth is always alone and so desperately needs a kind word or touch even if it snaps back or flinches when given.  I want to release my mask, but I'm afraid that if I take it off and stand there naked and exposed, that the rejection will be more than I can bare...and once it falls, the mask will lose it's warmth and grow cold on the ground where it lies...and then what will I hide behind?  The truth is that this all shouldn't matter.  The truth is that it all still does.  Half of the hiding is in knowing that I shouldn't feel this way...in knowing that by now my face should be exposed and reflect His eyes...His smile...His love...and some days it does... these days where the mask begins to itch and shift uncomfortably on my face in such a way that causes me to lift my hands up to rip it away...and maybe someday I will...maybe that will be today.

The Longest Winter

This Winter in good ol' Minot, North Dakota has been an unusually long one.  It has been so bad that even the locals here are fed up.  Wherever you go, whatever you do, no matter how many different topics are spoken about, it all inevitably leads up to the weather. When will it end? Our hearts began budding close to two months ago, but the snow kept on coming along with endless promises from the local weathermen with their sunny, cloudless taunts. I have spent the past couple of months cheering everyone on in their pale skinned gloom and doom- "Don't give up now!  It's coming! It's coming!  Just hang in there for a little while longer!" but inwardly sighing each day as I open my kitchen shades to be blinded yet again by that piercing white snow and matching sky.  One day, after hearing the words, "I'm sorry baby, it's still too cold outside to ride your bike," my six year old daughter had had enough.  In one sweeping motion she went from smiling and upright, to flailing arms and legs, fists pounding the cold hard ground, tears pouring out of her head in every which direction, and a muffled cry of, "I'm tired of it!  I just want to play!  When will the snow just go away??!!?!?!?!" Staring down at her, I had to force myself to keep from laughing...not because I thought that her pain and frustration was funny, but because she had just so perfectly executed my own heart's cry along with everyone else's around here.  I had been so busy trying to stay positive and here she was just letting the town of Minot have it!  Now I am not suggesting that her approach was the correct one, but in that moment I sure did admire her ability to express her frustration so...visually.  

The truth is, that is a pretty vivid picture of how my life has been for the past 3 or so years.  Outwardly, you will hear me say the words, "Don't give up now!  It's coming!  It's coming!  Just hang in there for a little while longer!" but inwardly, if I were as honest as my daughter was that day, I'm oftentimes found pounding my fists onto the cold hard ground, begging God for this season to just end already!  I've been battling out this ugly war inside of my mind and heart for so long and giving it so many different names (condemnation, depression, anxiety, etc...) trying to determine the best way to arm myself for each morning's skirmish, but sometimes...in spite of the many, many promises that this season will end and there are sunny days ahead if I will just hold on,"I'm tired of it!  I just want to worship!  When will this struggle just go away??!?!?!?!!" 

 On one of these such days this past week, I pulled up into my driveway and saw a piece of folded paper on top of a pile of melting snow.  It was clear that it had been buried and preserved under those layers and layers of snow for who knows how many months.  To be honest, at first I thought it was a note that had fallen out of my teenager's pocket and curiosity got the best of me.  I opened it up (you know you would have too) and found that it was in fact, two scriptures that I had written down at some point and must have dropped.  The lettering was still perfectly clear and not a drop of ink had been smudged.  The first scripture read, "I am still confident of this:  I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" (Psalm 27:13-14).  First of all, let's just acknowledge how funny God can be...because there are many scriptures about waiting on God, but in the land of the living?  If you've ever lived in the frozen tundra, then you know that after a few months of winter, you are begging to see life!  Anything!  A squirrel becomes a beacon of light and a butterfly??  Oh, I get giddy just thinking about it!  So for that particular scripture to be buried like treasure beneath the snow and preserved for such a day as that one,  was just flat out neat!  The second scripture read, "It is for freedom that Christ has set [me] free.  [I will] stand firm, then, and [will not let myself] be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1). That sounded familiar...I mean, that has been one of my "go to" scriptures for a while now, but I knew that I had just recently read it.  I pondered on this for a while and then moved onto making dinner and whatever else the rest of the night had to offer.  

The next morning, as I went to review my Bible study/devotion from the day before (the one that I had gotten so frustrated with that I almost threw my book across the room), there it was again- Galatians 5:1. Huh...well that was timely.  If I hadn't been in such a foul mood, I might have made that connection the night before. A few minutes later, I opened up an email and there it was yet again, Galatians 5:1.  I am a slow learner at times and God has to repeat Himself to get my attention.  He had my attention.  Why did Christ set me free? For freedom it says...  Well duh, right?  Except for, if I thought about it, I have been living like a prisoner for the past few years, so maybe He's trying to tell me something..."Stand firm, then, and do not be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" it goes on to say.  Oh, but how hard I have tried!!!  I've tried so hard and so many times for so long, that some days it feels like an impossibility to ever get out from under the weight of it all.  

I thought back again to those scriptures weighed down and buried so deeply beneath that cold, hard snow...and yet, perfectly preserved.  A picture began to form in my mind then, of a beautiful soul buried beneath the weight of this world... a "yoke of slavery" that defies the very freedom to which it has been called.  Such a hopeless picture at first, but if you look closely, you can see the water rising beneath...as the snow begins to melt...and the ink becomes clearer and clearer as it crawls to the surface...perfectly preserved for such a day as this!  Could it be that this cold season is finally coming to an end?  Do I dare hope?  I do.  I do dare, because God promises me that I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of THE LIVING...and so I will wait for the Lord..." I will continue to wait,  because His Spirit whispers to mine, ""Don't give up now!  It's coming! It's coming!  Just hang in there for a little while longer!"

"My beloved spoke and said to me,
    “Arise, my darling,
    my beautiful one, come with me.
¹¹ See! The winter is past;
    the rains are over and gone."

Song of Songs 2:10-11