Crutch

So many times I have heard the saying, "Christianity is a crutch," and like so many others, I have argued against it. The truth of the matter though, is that Christianity IS a crutch...or should I say, "Jesus Christ is a crutch."

Think about it. What is a crutch? It is an object that enables a person to walk who could otherwise not do it alone. With that in mind then, Jesus Christ IS our crutch. When we argue against this idea, we are doing a disservice to those who have offended us. One of the biggest barriers between non believers and the Lord, is Independence; this incessant need to do everything on our own. In order to follow Christ, we all came to the end of ourselves at some point and cried out for help. Why then, would we defend our Independence to others? Our dependence is what saved us! We must not insist to others then, that we are walking unattended!

No, we DO have a crutch! As we carry our cross, He holds us up and HE leads us into victory; something that we could never have done without His assistance. We should boast in this; not cower. He is sufficient and He doesn't need us to defend Him either.

Next time someone accuses you of using Christianity as a crutch, show them the beautiful scarred Hands that are holding you up, and ask them why they insist on crawling?

Just keep breathing...

If only my heart looked inviting and warm to the touch...if only I could offer it up and say, "look!  It is beating!"  

 

If  desire could light that heart on fire, I would be consumed by its flames.

 

If only my eyes looked kind and trusting; the kind of eyes that sparkled into a smile..and then I could say, "look!  They shine!"

 

There is a quiet desperation- mouth opened wide in the expression- of a scream...

and I sit on my hands to keep them from tearing things down.

 

There is a peace somewhere. Somewhere inbetween the running, the singing, the falling, the reaching, the screaming...but I can't grab it while my hands are placed beneath me-

in order to keep me-

from myself.

 

(Just keep breathing.)

Gotta Have Faith-a-faith-a-faith-a!

Let's talk about faith and some things that go along with faith that I myself have struggled with greatly.  This can all get very confusing at times, and because of this, there are a lot of people walking around who are overwhelmingly discouraged.  Lots of times this is perhaps because they believed something wholeheartedly and yet, God "did not answer". 
Let's not give this a cookie cutter answer.  Let's REALLY think about this and what it means to have faith.  Sometimes, we do "everything right", and everything still falls apart around us. What then?  If you don't believe me that this happens, go read the Book of Job.  Job was known for being righteous and God loved him VERY much...and yet his great faith was actually the REASON that God allowed things to happen.  God knew that Job would hold onto Him even when everything fell apart, and in the end Job was blessed with double the amount that he had to begin with.
 So, where does that leave us?  We all hear that if we have enough faith, that whatever we pray will happen.  While that is a promise of Jesus', does that mean that if something doesn't happen, that we didn't believe hard enough?  Or does it mean that having faith really means TRUSTING God with WHATEVER outcome He has planned and TRUSTING that because He sees the end of our story, that whatever happens...it is His best?  Yes, I believe so.  "YOUR WILL BE DONE."  I don't think that God wants us to run around guessing at His will and then to become discouraged when things don't go the way that we believe they should.  In fact, isn't that testing God in a sense?  Jesus specifically rebuked the devil for tempting Him to do that very thing.  I am not suggesting that we stop praying for and believing that God is going to deliver us from things.  I am not suggesting that God is not going to give you that miracle that He has promised you.  What I am suggesting though, is that you and I have NO idea what that miracle looks like and if we think that we do, we are going to find ourselves discouraged over and over again when it doesn't look like He has answered...and then our faith can be shaken..not destroyed, but shaken.  Trusting God with the details actually strengthens our faith because it takes us and our image of deliverance out of the picture.

God is love and God is good.  REMEMBER THAT....no matter how things appear, what things look like, or how they feel- HE IS LOVE AND HE IS GOOD, and therefore you can put your faith in Him.

What kind of war are you fighting?

What does your war look like?

Are your hands full of fists, and are your fingernails dug in deep? 

Does it rage from dusk til' dawn?

Does it lay you down to sleep?

Is yours a war of words? 

of lies? 

of pain?

Is it all?  

Is it nothing?  

Could you call it by it's name?

The battle is in all of us

but we are all so full of us

and it's so hard to not be ruled by this

(sometimes I feel like I'm new at this...)

but I will call it by it's name, 

and I suggest you do the same-

The war within us seeks to destroy us, and there is an enemy who wishes to devour us- the life within us, the life HE gave us, he seeks to deceive and take us from the One who paid for us!  

We are not blameless...

but we are not nameless...

His image is upon us, and we must take this!

Don't look around at others wounds and assume they've been consumed.

Don't look around at others pain and maintain that they're unchanged.

Don't look around at others victory march through a lens of despair and miss the scars..

sometimes that battle has JUST been won and you can't see how long they've warred.  

So, what kind of war are you fighting?

and what are you fighting for?

Drop your weapons and surrender-

your strength comes from the Lord

We will stop!

We will rest..

and we will lift up our eyes...

and behold the One who goes before us...

and in His shadow we will abide.

Trail of Thought Crumbs...Join Me!

Hope.
What is hope?

Is it present?

No, hope is the expectancy of what is to come. The very nature of it implies that it has not yet come. In order to hope, you must have faith.

Faith.
What is faith?
Faith is the belief in what cannot be seen, and often times, in the impossible.  
Is faith complete?
No, like hope, faith implies that it is to be "waited" upon.

Faith and hope are not tangible. By their very nature they cannot be disected and looked too closely upon, because trust cannot be understood as a perfect equation..and trust is what they are built upon.

Trust.
Where does trust come from?
It comes from knowing that the intentions behind a thing are GOOD...that the purpose behind a thing is GOOD...and where does goodness come from?

Love.

And where does love come from?
God.

And what is love?
God Himself.

God is love and therefore His purposes and intentions are good so we can trust Him. Once we trust Him, we can have faith to believe the impossible. Once we have faith in the impossible, we are filled with hope, and once we are filled with hope...we are free!

 

The Curtain

 The Curtain

She hides behind the curtain, peaking out every so often-
long enough to say hello, but never enough for a goodbye.

Behind the curtain, lies a world filled with whispering poems and fearless soldiers, slaughtered harlots, endless responses, warm embraces, and opportunites.

Hello is a war, while goodbye seems uplifting to the kind who like backwards and know only how to tiptoe. 

The poems are countless, but there's often no meaning-
...way too often...
The words often scramble onto the page, giving the impression that she has a lot to say.  So deceiving is the pen, so when it creeps, she is careful to follow in accordance to the pace.

Behind the curtain, there is laughter and so often it feels lonely to smile alone-

..and so, HELLO-

Hello to a smile and so often a need.  So many long to hear the beautiful sound...so often it goes unnoticed. 
It's echo is enticing-
BRAND NEW, and giving birth to itself every single time..
and so very rare it is indeed, to smile without a tear-
without a dirty, filthy tear. 
The tears are flowing into rivers, so as to keep them from soiling the ground, the walls, the curtain!!

~

But still, she hides behind that curtain...and the cloth becomes frayed, as more and more often fingers stroke the edges- pulling it aside at times..for a peek and breath of fullness-

AT TIMES

And even as the curtain chokes the very hope from within her,
she clings to what's left- the shredded ribbon of her protection-
drowning in her own freedom...still searching for a place to hide in her affliction.

...she hears a mighty roar...
she puts her ear to the ground and listens to the sound of approaching footsteps...

She stands up then-
eyes closed tightly...
hands lifted high into the air...
rain falling down upon her face, and becoming one with her tears as it washes them away...

And in one quick motion, Love tears down that curtain and exposes the trembling child from behind.

In one quick motion, Love pulls aside that veil-

AND-

Her Savior stands before her whispering,

"Come"

and all at once she finds herself hidden inside His outstretched Arms!  Covered and Hidden inside the curtain of Her Savior's Love.

A Psalms 91 Kind of Life

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High-
(I run to where You are! In Your Shadow I abide!)

I will say to the Lord, "My God in whom I trust!"
Safely tucked beneath Your Wings, my heart cries out,

"Enough!"

(You are more than enough.)

I need not to be afraid-
You stand in the space between the struggle and the victory.
The angry sword may strike by day and night, but even the fight will end in Your glory.

(This is YOUR story.)

Chaos!
All around me!
Oh Lord, my heart is faint within...I can't go on!
The noise consumes and the pain overwhelms..sometimes I can't find You..I want to come home!


"You will only look upon it and watch as the world falls deeper and deeper into it's own demise...
But, open your eyes!
Child-
Open your eyes!

(I've been here beside you all of your life-
I have NEVER left your side.)"


Radiant before me, a heavenly host alongside of this trembling walk.
Never moving without a command from my Father, a gentle guide from the Everlasting Rock.

Because I call out to You-
even as sharp claws and teeth relentlessly seek to destroy my life.

Because I cling to You-
salvation awaits

Because I love You-

I've been given new LIFE.

Hide and Seek

I have been studying Proverbs 31 for a few weeks now, which has been encouraging, convicting, overwhelming at times, discouraging at times, (annoying at times), and has my house about as shiny as it's ever been. 

 

There is a theme with this Proverbs woman; an impossible standard of perfection.  This standard is not limited to this woman alone, however; an expectation of perfection is pretty consistently found in every Book of the Bible.  [This is the part where I get on my spandex (what beautiful imagery) and step out onto the mat for a nice wrestling match.]

 

As I read through these stories, the Lord points out over and over again, that I am not anywhere close to who I was made to be.  So, what do I do?  I immediately begin to panic at how far off the mark I am, roll up my sleeves (oh wait..I'm wearing spandex...) and get to work. 

After days, or weeks, months, or even years at this, the Good Lord comes and tenderly wipes the damp wisps of hair from my furrowed brow.  He then lifts me up onto His lap, and gently reminds me that this is the reason that Jesus was born.  You see, this perfection is required of us, but CANNOT be met in our own strength.

 I get so discouraged with myself for both falling for my fallen nature again, and for how long it takes my heart to understand what my head instructs it to believe during these seasons, but there is also a measure of Grace and a lesson intertwined beneath, because while the enemy seeks to steal my joy and convince me of my unworthiness, the Father maintains the Truth in my spirit; that I will always need my Savior. 

And then there's this...

 

this warm, enveloping robe of cover and comforting Hand that pulls me back in from a fight that I never could have won:

 

It is found in Colossians 3:3-

"For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

I am not perfect.  I will NEVER be perfect, but if my Heavenly Father comes looking for me, do you know where He will find me? HIDDEN with Christ.  It's like the best game of hide and seek EVER!

 

Someday, when that trumpet sounds...perhaps in our childlike hearts, we will hear a booming voice...

 

"Ready or not...Here I come!"  

 

and tucked safely away with our Lord, we will be more than ready!

Forgiveness

Pardon me while I ramble on about forgiveness for a little bit.  I have seen quite a few people who are struggling GREATLY in this area lately.  As a matter of fact, this is one of the reasons that I take leave from facebook occasionally.  It isn't just one of "those" friends either...you know the kind of friends that I am talking about; the ones who you just block after a day or two of realizing that every word that comes out of their mouth is negative?  (If I just made you paranoid then I'm not talking about you, because those people truly do not care if they offend.)  I see it from people that I love deeply and it bothers me.  It bothers me for many reasons, but mainly because I know that forgiveness is essential to walking with the Lord.  We cannot fellowship with the Lord and carry around bitterness.  How do I know this?  Because I have tried...and not just years and years go, but like last week..and the week before that...etc...  I could come up with lots of reasons for it (and I will give you a few just to keep myself from despairing, lol) HORMONES, ISOLATION, REJECTION, CHEMICAL IMBALANCE, SPIRITUAL WARFARE....I am good at this, so I could go on and on, but at the end of the day...I am asked to do the impossible sometimes, and to forgive everyone, of every single obnoxious or hurtful thing that they throw at me.  Sometimes I feel unable to, and then I find myself about 6 feet deep in a hole that I cannot crawl out of, and so ONCE AGAIN, Jesus throws a rope back down to me and I get back up off my knees and climb up into His arms.  Think about that.  That rope He throws down has a name.  Can you guess what it is? "FORGIVENESS" ..and what a beautiful name it is!  So there I am with a BIG OL' grin on my face standing with my Lord, when up walks that obnoxious "Bitterness" painted up again in whichever form she has chosen for the moment.  "Well, I'll take care of this," I think to myself, and I push her right into the hole I just crawled out of....because...I mean, can you believe the audacity of  (insert name) to cause these horrible feelings inside of me?!? I look to Jesus then to get a high five, and do you know what I see?  I see that I am  standing right next to Bitterness in that hole once AGAIN. 
You get the picture. It isn't pretty....So when I see people that I love not only struggling with forgiving each other, but embracing "Bitterness" and naming her "Just"...naturally, I want to shove them into the hole...right? lol.  No seriously, it doesn't just upset me...it concerns me. 


Why does it concern me? 

"But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins"- Matthew 6:15- JESUS

You might feel justified at the moment, but is it worth it?

You say, "But you don't understand! What they did was too much...I can't forgive them!"

Is it worth it?

"But they are still doing it!"- BUT IS IT WORTH IT?

"See, I have set before thee this day life and good, and death and evil" Deuteronomy 12:15- CHOOSE LIFE! Don't take sides with the enemy of your soul! Don't be an ambassador for your own destruction!

Are you really willing to allow what they have done to you, steal your peace on top of it?

What if Jesus used the measure against you that you are using against this other person? Is it worth it then, because guess what? HE DOES.-  "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:2

Can you live up to your own standard?

I know that I sure can't, so why don't we do ourselves and everyone else around us a favor, and FORGIVE THEM! FOR EVERYTHING! Why? BECAUSE HE FORGAVE US, AND HE IS WORTH IT! 

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good- Romans 12:17-21


One final thought though...if you are like me, and even though you know all of this to be true, you still struggle at times to simply LET THINGS GO, take comfort in these next couple of scriptures and apply them (as opposed to using them as an excuse to stay in the hole) to your life until you are back up on your feet:


"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."- 1 John 1:9


"Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us."-Romans 8:34

and finally...

"My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense--Jesus Christ, the Righteous One."-1 John 2:1

On Your Mark, Get Set..GO!!!

When I was about 2 years old, I was diagnosed with asthma; the kind of asthma that meant business.  If I caught a cold,  breathed in cold air, over-exerted myself in any way at all, or GOD FORBID came into contact with certain animals, it could mean weeks of being confined to my bed and/or living room couch.  In addition to not being able to move, there were; around-the-clock breathing treatments, constant coughing and gasping for air, vomiting, headaches, anxiety from the medication in the treatments, nightmares, sweating, trips to the ER, and worst of all- being forced to sit out on so many of the things that I wanted to be a part of.  I wanted to dance, ride horses, ice skate.... twirl a baton (I very well may have missed my calling on this one), and when I was very young, I wanted to run.  I loved doing it, and was surprisingly fast.  I could only run very short distances, however, and  I was always excused from competing, because...well...my body simply could not handle the race.  At first, I remember being discouraged by this.  I was a kid and I wanted to play!  I wanted to win!  I had full confidence that nobody could outrun me if only I were given the chance, but as time proved my lungs to be unable to keep up, I accepted it and began to embrace it.  Before the gym teacher could even get the words, "basketball", "volleyball", "soccer"...or "mile run" out of her mouth, I had a note in her hand excusing me.  I had grown to fear competition anyway, so it was a relief to not even have to try and risk the horror of failing in front of my peers. It grew from there. I found that my limitation (along with a few others that I acquired along the way), could get me out of many different things that I didn't want to deal with, and so I went from being a sickly little child who longed to get off of that couch and run, to a teenager who felt immobile.  I had learned to identify with being limited, and then took it a step further by taking up smoking.

It took almost ten years of this before I realized the severity of what I had done. I have heard people say many times over the years, that you should "be careful what you pray for."  I was desperate to even want to quit smoking at this point, and so I prayed, "Lord, please do whatever it takes to get me to quit smoking, because I just can't do this on my own. Amen."  I had a cough at the time, but it quickly took an ugly turn. I crawled out onto the porch to smoke a cigarette one morning, and as I inhaled in, feeling that familiar and excruciating pinch as the smoke hit my sickly lungs, tears began pouring down my cheeks from the force of the cough that took over my body. I crawled back inside to let my mom know that I needed a ride to the hospital.  As I took on the arduous task of getting dressed, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was taken aback by my grey complexion and thin frame.  At the hospital, I learned that I had lost 20 lbs in a week's time, had a collapsed lung, and  a serious case of pneumonia.  My body would not respond to the medication that normally treated pneumonia, and so they sent me to the I.C.U until they could better understand what was going on with me.  I remember that all I could think about was how I was going to smoke if I was trapped in the I.C.U.  Right about the time that I went into full blown panic mode, a male nurse came into the room.  He looked at me in a way that told me that whether or not I wanted him to (NOT), he was about to lecture me.  He did.  He told me that my lungs were in the same shape of a woman in her 80's...a woman in her 80's with poor lung health at that.  He told me that if I did not stop smoking, that I would most likely never make it out of my 30's.  He was not gentle.  He gave no apologies....and then to make things worse, I discovered that he was a Christian.  I realized as he was talking to me and as I not so sweetly asked him to leave me alone, that God had answered my prayer, and I was NOT happy about it!

 "I WILL NOT QUIT, GOD!!  I'M NOT READY!"

The Good Lord then explained to me that I had no choice, as my Dr. informed me that I had a rare strand of pneumonia that would require me to stay put for the next couple of weeks.  By about day 7, I came into agreement with Him and began to mourn the loss of my addiction.  It is sickening how we learn to love the things that kill us, but we do.  When nobody else had been there for me, I had learned to lean on death.  The Lord would no longer allow me to live this way, and so He grounded me.  He took His stubborn child and sent her to that hospital room until she had learned her lesson.

I have been thinking about this lately, because 7 weeks ago I decided to  take on the C25K (couch to 5 K) challenge.  It is a program that slowly gets your body used to running until ultimately you can run 3 miles straight.  As a child, I couldn't even run 1 mile without stopping, so 3 miles seemed a little overzealous at first.  My husband has been training daily for a marathon, however, and so watching him train day in and day out (plus REALLY wanting to lose my post baby weight) inspired me to push myself.  I had tried the program a couple of times before, but had to stop and start over twice due to injuries.  Why?  Because I just refused to follow the rules.  It said to run 3 days a week, so naturally I ran 6.  It said to walk more and run less at first in order to ease your body into it, so I took off like a cheetah on steroids.  Needless to say, after two failed attempts in this fashion, I decided to play by the rules.  Today marks day 1 of week 7, and I ran 25 minutes straight this morning, which rounds out to about 2 miles.  I ran 2 miles!
29 years ago, I began fighting for that breath of life, and today...I breathe!

When I said "yes" to the Lord as a child, He set my feet firmly on the ground and I eagerly began to run the race that was marked out for me.  I ran slowly at first, but as time went by I grew restless and began to speed up...until I saw a place on the side of the road where others were lounging around, refreshing themselves, and by all appearances seemed to be having a much better time than I was.
 I stopped running and joined them.
As time went by, I found that the pleasures found on the side of the road were temporary and unsatisfying.  I began stealing more and more glances at those who I could still see running in the distance.  A longing to join back in with them began to grow, but it had been so long..,and surely by now I had been disqualified.

But then...

I felt an old, familiar Hand take hold of my own.
We began to walk towards that lined pavement again, and as I looked up at Him with uncertainty in my eyes, He just nodded and gently nudged me back in with the others.
At first I ran at a slow, even pace, as my feet became familiar once again with the ground.  Soon enough though, caught up in excitement this time, I took off into a sprint!  I was flying!!  Nobody could keep up with me! I was going to get to that finish line before anybody else!

... and then I tripped...

I came crashing  down to the ground, and when I looked up for someone to help me, there was no one to be found.
So caught up in my own excitement, I hadn't even noticed that I was alone.

"What do I do? "
"What can I do? "

"WAIT." was the answer that I was given.
 "Be still, stay put, and wait."

..and so here I stand today; resting and waiting, but not idle.
 I can see such a great cloud of witnesses rounding the corner and heading my way as I stretch my legs, drink in the Living water, take a deep breath of life, NEW LIFE,  and fix my eyes on Jesus....

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."- Hebrews 12:1-3

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing."- 2 Timothy 4:7-8

To Struggle with Goodbye

Well, today was the last day of school!  While kids all around us were cheering and bursting through doors, tripping over each other to get outside to their freedom, there my child stood; feet planted firmly into the ground.  With crocodile tears running down her cheeks, and her teacher standing helplessly beside her looking from her face to mine with an expression that told me that this was not something that she had been prepared for, Savannah stood screaming at the top of her lungs, "NOOO!!! I don't want Kindergarten to be over! I don't want to leave Mrs. Heilman!" 

I have been trying to prepare Savannah for this day for a few months now, but haven't been able to convince her that school ending for the Summer is anything but the end of the world.  For her, it is. Savannah's heart doesn't play by the rules; the rules that insist that there will come a time when she should cease to cling and gracefully walk away; the unspoken rule that states that love is temporary sometimes.  When Savannah loves someone she loves them deeply, treasuring every single moment with them, and even as she says hello..her heart is dreading the goodbye.  She loves Kindergarten, and she loves Mrs.Heilman.  As I watched her screaming and clinging to her teacher, I  almost grabbed her and told her to snap out of it, but would that have been the right thing to tell that heart?  That love isn't worth that pain?  That love calmly walks away?  That love is restrained?  Wouldn't that have made me a liar? Instead, I began to cry right along with her...and then her teacher did as well.  

I'm sure that the significance of this event would seem to be nothing more than an emotional fit by an over-dramatic little girl to a lot of people. I am also positive that some parents would believe that I handled the situation poorly by not telling her to calm down and "get herself together", but they don't know my Savannah like I do.  I know her heart, because I have one just like it. The girl inherited her mama's struggle with goodbye.  It should be so difficult to teach a lesson to your child that you struggle with yourself, but isn't it a beautiful thing how the Lord teaches?  It is the easiest to give advice about the things that we know.  I can tell her that it is okay to grieve for these things and to take her time.  I can explain to her that the Lord made her heart this way for a reason.  I can teach her that when she loves Jesus that way, that not only does she never have to say goodbye, but that she is actually reflecting a sliver of the same urgency in which He loves her.  It isn't shameful...because goodbye doesn't come so easy to Him either. Does His love "play by the rules"?  Does He ever "cease to cling and gracefully walk away"?  Is it ever temporary?  No, He plants Himself firmly into our hearts and screams, "YOU ARE WORTH THE PAIN!  I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU!"

I can tell her these things, because these are the things that my own heartbreaks and struggle with goodbye have taught me. So what came first?  Was my struggle my own, or was it to glean wisdom to help my child through her heartbreaks?  In the Lord's omniscience, I'd say that the answer is both.