Each night, I would pull out my journal and get to work; it was the exclamation point of each day. I would scribble down every single fleeting thought, trying to catch this PROFOUND truth that I just knew was hidden inside of me just waiting to be released...I truly thought that there was something of GRAVE importance that the world needed to hear, and so I would write down every last one of those manic and desperate thoughts, trying to capture what it was. When I WAS FINISHED, I would then call my sister and read it all out loud to her in the hopes that she would gasp at my unbelievably ingenious thought processes and something big would happen! I am not quite sure how I expected it all to happen, but I knew what I was after; FREEDOM! Amidst this grandiose delusion, I really thought that once I could purge this creative monster from within myself, that I would finally understand and find this freedom that I so fervently sought after. One day.....I did.
There I was, on my bedroom floor, 23 years old and surrounded by papers torn out of notebooks, strands of hair torn out of my head, and tears pouring out of my eyes.....with a Bible in front of me. "I'll try this one more time!!" I seemed to scream! I opened my Bible then,and as naughty child with little but desperate and broken faith I randomly pointed to a passage inside:
"Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile.
When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long.
For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer.
I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid.
I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin.
For this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee IN A TIME WHEN THOU MAYEST BE FOUND: surely in the floods of great waters they shall not come nigh unto him.
Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance.
I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.
Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which have no understanding: whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, lest they come near unto thee.
Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the Lord, mercy shall compass him about.
Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart."
PSALMS 32
CLICK!! A light switch was turned on and the blurry places became clear. I began confessing the ugliness...a puddle of tears as my witness.... a magnifying glass pressed against my mind, against my heart, against my body, and against my SOUL! "FORGIVE ME, LORD!" I cried...and CRIED...and CRIED!!! And then....I was FORGIVEN! I bet I looked so silly in that moment! There I was, and it was everything that I could do to keep from dancing!
"You love me??? It's not too late for me?? Even though you saw 'this'...and 'that'....and even 'THAT?' It's gone?"
I had walked into that bedroom that night draped in bitterness, anger, shame, and guilt...a cloak that I had worn with protective pride for a very long time....so to find myself there, naked and forgiven....
I was less alone in that moment, than I believe I have ever felt in my entire life. It was if I could hear the Angels rooting me on, "Go Laura! Go Laura! " I was in the presence of my Lord, and I knew it. I had always believed that Jesus Christ had come to the earth and died for my sins on the cross, but I don't think that I had ever understood what that meant exactly until that moment. I had never felt forgiven. I had heard the words, but I had never felt them.
".... every one that is godly pray unto thee IN A TIME WHEN THOU MAYEST BE FOUND...." rang through my ears as a love song written just for me. I had been found! Me! Laura Traugott! This wretched mess of a person was worth dying for on a cross.... The cynical voice said, "...this isn't going to last! Don't fall for it!" but I spent the rest of the night falling in love with Jesus, with a smile on my face, doodling His name in those silly notebooks, and just praising Him. It was the first peaceful night that I had had in a very long time....the night that Jesus met my pain face to face and died for it....it took a moment to process that my "weaknesses" and "flaws" and "quirks" were nothing more than nails pressed into my Saviors flesh....it took a moment to process the fact that it was my sins that had killed Him, yet He died willingly.... There was no more need to be profound, because there it was in the truth that I had been lost and I had been FOUND.
Once upon a time.....the Author of my salvation said, "It is FINISHED," and I lived happily ever after.
".... every one that is godly pray unto thee IN A TIME WHEN THOU MAYEST BE FOUND...." rang through my ears as a love song written just for me. I had been found! Me! Laura Traugott! This wretched mess of a person was worth dying for on a cross.... The cynical voice said, "...this isn't going to last! Don't fall for it!" but I spent the rest of the night falling in love with Jesus, with a smile on my face, doodling His name in those silly notebooks, and just praising Him. It was the first peaceful night that I had had in a very long time....the night that Jesus met my pain face to face and died for it....it took a moment to process that my "weaknesses" and "flaws" and "quirks" were nothing more than nails pressed into my Saviors flesh....it took a moment to process the fact that it was my sins that had killed Him, yet He died willingly.... There was no more need to be profound, because there it was in the truth that I had been lost and I had been FOUND.
Once upon a time.....the Author of my salvation said, "It is FINISHED," and I lived happily ever after.
