Forgiveness

Pardon me while I ramble on about forgiveness for a little bit.  I have seen quite a few people who are struggling GREATLY in this area lately.  As a matter of fact, this is one of the reasons that I take leave from facebook occasionally.  It isn't just one of "those" friends either...you know the kind of friends that I am talking about; the ones who you just block after a day or two of realizing that every word that comes out of their mouth is negative?  (If I just made you paranoid then I'm not talking about you, because those people truly do not care if they offend.)  I see it from people that I love deeply and it bothers me.  It bothers me for many reasons, but mainly because I know that forgiveness is essential to walking with the Lord.  We cannot fellowship with the Lord and carry around bitterness.  How do I know this?  Because I have tried...and not just years and years go, but like last week..and the week before that...etc...  I could come up with lots of reasons for it (and I will give you a few just to keep myself from despairing, lol) HORMONES, ISOLATION, REJECTION, CHEMICAL IMBALANCE, SPIRITUAL WARFARE....I am good at this, so I could go on and on, but at the end of the day...I am asked to do the impossible sometimes, and to forgive everyone, of every single obnoxious or hurtful thing that they throw at me.  Sometimes I feel unable to, and then I find myself about 6 feet deep in a hole that I cannot crawl out of, and so ONCE AGAIN, Jesus throws a rope back down to me and I get back up off my knees and climb up into His arms.  Think about that.  That rope He throws down has a name.  Can you guess what it is? "FORGIVENESS" ..and what a beautiful name it is!  So there I am with a BIG OL' grin on my face standing with my Lord, when up walks that obnoxious "Bitterness" painted up again in whichever form she has chosen for the moment.  "Well, I'll take care of this," I think to myself, and I push her right into the hole I just crawled out of....because...I mean, can you believe the audacity of  (insert name) to cause these horrible feelings inside of me?!? I look to Jesus then to get a high five, and do you know what I see?  I see that I am  standing right next to Bitterness in that hole once AGAIN. 
You get the picture. It isn't pretty....So when I see people that I love not only struggling with forgiving each other, but embracing "Bitterness" and naming her "Just"...naturally, I want to shove them into the hole...right? lol.  No seriously, it doesn't just upset me...it concerns me. 


Why does it concern me? 

"But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins"- Matthew 6:15- JESUS

You might feel justified at the moment, but is it worth it?

You say, "But you don't understand! What they did was too much...I can't forgive them!"

Is it worth it?

"But they are still doing it!"- BUT IS IT WORTH IT?

"See, I have set before thee this day life and good, and death and evil" Deuteronomy 12:15- CHOOSE LIFE! Don't take sides with the enemy of your soul! Don't be an ambassador for your own destruction!

Are you really willing to allow what they have done to you, steal your peace on top of it?

What if Jesus used the measure against you that you are using against this other person? Is it worth it then, because guess what? HE DOES.-  "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:2

Can you live up to your own standard?

I know that I sure can't, so why don't we do ourselves and everyone else around us a favor, and FORGIVE THEM! FOR EVERYTHING! Why? BECAUSE HE FORGAVE US, AND HE IS WORTH IT! 

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good- Romans 12:17-21


One final thought though...if you are like me, and even though you know all of this to be true, you still struggle at times to simply LET THINGS GO, take comfort in these next couple of scriptures and apply them (as opposed to using them as an excuse to stay in the hole) to your life until you are back up on your feet:


"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."- 1 John 1:9


"Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us."-Romans 8:34

and finally...

"My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense--Jesus Christ, the Righteous One."-1 John 2:1

Joy cometh in the morning!

It comes like a thief and grabs fistfuls of joy; so greedy as it takes more than it's filthy hands can hold...leaving bits and pieces behind, falling through the spaces in between clenched knuckles... falling into the dirt and debris that remains in it's wake...so small and irrelevant. Of what use are a few specks of yesterday's joy? They are nothing more than a fleeting thought. They are quickly dismissed and just as quickly forgotten... The thief looks over his shoulder one last time, very pleased, and then slams the door, HARD, behind him. But...as time passes..slowly... .. as the ground begins to forget... and those tiny specks of remembrance appear as nothing more than the dirt in which they dwell, a sound is almost heard... a commanding whisper..almost...put your ear to the ground and listen... the sky begins to quiver... and the earth takes a deep breath... embracing itself... and then... rain begins to fall... So slowly, beneath the earth.. unseen and quietly restrained, the seeds begin to grow. The earth appears so dark and barren, but beneath that surface, there are mighty roots shooting this way.. and that way.... but ever waiting...waiting for just the right moment..just waiting for the command... and in the secret place just beneath the surface, an electric push is felt, from the tippy toed roots to the tops of the emerging seed.. and... ALAS!! Joy breaks forth, bursting up out of the earth! Out of the darkness! Buried for such a time as this! Buried to proclaim that it will just keep rising back up again! It cannot be contained! If you've ever seen the glory that can be grown from even a speck of joy, then you have seen a glorious harvest. Unmatched in it's beauty! Joy is the most beautiful when it rises from debris

The rainbow

Thank You, Lord.
 Oh thank You, Lord.
 I was so afraid, but Your love has come to save...
 No weapon that is formed against me shall prosper,
 Forgive me, I have been so lost,
Oh Lord. Forgive me, I've been gone for so long...and my soul, it just kept on singing that song.
 My heart was so hard. How did it ever go that far?
 Lord, I'm here now. Abiding in Your love. Your presence overwhelms me. Lord, I know how much You love me.
 I'll never know the reason. I'll never know the cost But all is found now...all has not been lost.
 Deliver me, Lord. I'm here for You Lord- to seek Your love upon my heart.. It's not much but it's a start. Oh hear me, Lord, I hear Your words in ways that I haven't for so long. It's been so long...it's been so long. The day is drawing near, but gone are all of my fears. The tears are sowing love...sowing love...sowing seeds of love...Your rain is falling from above...seeds of righteousness, being rained on with Your love. Lord..righteousness..righteous Lord, I call.. I give You my all, as I lay this at your feet- a fragrance as I pour it out, it is so sweet, as I pour it on your feet.
 Forgiven. I'm forgiven. The one forgiven much loves much, and that is me- I'm forgiven, yes forgiven, the aroma in my hair is so sweet.
 Oh Lord, I come in to the presence of your love. Oh Lord, I want more. I want more. It's never enough. The waters came (oh how they came), but they washed away, they washed away so much pain. Yes, the waters came.. and they came... and they came... But, when they left, so did the pain!

In the dark I have learned to wait

I desire to KNOW You Lord, with every breath that I breathe "without" You Lord. The TRUTH, I speak it out, Oh Lord, to calm this sea of doubts... Oh Lord...
I seek to plant a bed of roses. I toil away as if I'm new at this. Oh Master Gardener, please guide these shaky hands..
and fists... so full of seeds.. ( I don't want a garden full of weeds.)
 I think that I have learned to smile again, Poppa, do You see it on my heart? I am not the filthy wretch that I had painted of myself; I am radiant because You are.
 My eyes have been so blind, my ears so full of lies... I couldn't hear You say, "I love you" and I couldn't find the strength to rise-
 from the ashes of despair, where Your face is so far away... there is no hope without salvation, and in the dark I have learned to wait-
for the almighty Hand that can both comfort and teach... sometimes the very lesson in that restraint is simply knowing... to reach
To dance again...to love again...to be lifted from my knees-
 the song is so beautiful, my heart beats to the rhythm..beats....beats....to the rhythm..beats...beats...

Lord, please don't let me fall before I'm lifted

These are my random thoughts....if they sound dark at times, it's because I am being honest...if they are lame at times...it's because I am being honest.

"Lord, please don't let me fall before I'm lifted." I used to pray with remorse and white knuckles; my heart pounding to the rhythm of my pleas. One night You stood me up and I thought I'd never fall again.....but..."Lord, please don't let me fall before I'm lifted!" My eyes are closed so tight; fingers in my ears, but oh how free my mouth is! Bind it shut! Bind my mouth and open my eyes! Pull the fingers from my ears, but quiet my own voice so I can hear! I cannot live in the gray as before. I am not even welcome there anymore, but I feel shunned by the white. I pretend black isn't even a word, although it has taken up residence in the place between my fingertips and my eyelids. I cry out to You from morning until night- "Lord, please don't let me fall before I'm lifted!"
Amen.

proFOUND

Once upon a time, I thought I was a writer.....

Each night, I would pull out my journal and get to work; it was the exclamation point of each day. I would scribble down every single fleeting thought, trying to catch this PROFOUND truth that I just knew was hidden inside of me just waiting to be released...I truly thought that there was something of GRAVE importance that the world needed to hear, and so I would write down every last one of those manic and desperate thoughts, trying to capture what it was. When I WAS FINISHED, I would then call my sister and read it all out loud to her in the hopes that she would gasp at my unbelievably ingenious thought processes and something big would happen! I am not quite sure how I expected it all to happen, but I knew what I was after; FREEDOM! Amidst this grandiose delusion, I really thought that once I could purge this creative monster from within myself, that I would finally understand and find this freedom that I so fervently sought after. One day.....I did.


There I was, on my bedroom floor, 23 years old and surrounded by papers torn out of notebooks, strands of hair torn out of my head, and tears pouring out of my eyes.....with a Bible in front of me. "I'll try this one more time!!" I seemed to scream! I opened my Bible then,and as naughty child with little but desperate and broken faith I randomly pointed to a passage inside:

"Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.

Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile.

When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long.

For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer.

I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid.

I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin.

For this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee IN A TIME WHEN THOU MAYEST BE FOUND: surely in the floods of great waters they shall not come nigh unto him.

Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance.

I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.

Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which have no understanding: whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, lest they come near unto thee.

Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the Lord, mercy shall compass him about.

Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart."

PSALMS 32

CLICK!! A light switch was turned on and the blurry places became clear. I began confessing the ugliness...a puddle of tears as my witness.... a magnifying glass pressed against my mind, against my heart, against my body, and against my SOUL! "FORGIVE ME, LORD!" I cried...and CRIED...and CRIED!!! And then....I was FORGIVEN! I bet I looked so silly in that moment! There I was, and it was everything that I could do to keep from dancing!

"You love me??? It's not too late for me?? Even though you saw 'this'...and 'that'....and even 'THAT?' It's gone?"
I had walked into that bedroom that night draped in bitterness, anger, shame, and guilt...a cloak that I had worn with protective pride for a very long time....so to find myself there, naked and forgiven....

I was less alone in that moment, than I believe I have ever felt in my entire life. It was if I could hear the Angels rooting me on, "Go Laura! Go Laura! " I was in the presence of my Lord, and I knew it. I had always believed that Jesus Christ had come to the earth and died for my sins on the cross, but I don't think that I had ever understood what that meant exactly until that moment. I had never felt forgiven. I had heard the words, but I had never felt them.
".... every one that is godly pray unto thee IN A TIME WHEN THOU MAYEST BE FOUND...." rang through my ears as a love song written just for me. I had been found! Me! Laura Traugott! This wretched mess of a person was worth dying for on a cross.... The cynical voice said, "...this isn't going to last! Don't fall for it!" but I spent the rest of the night falling in love with Jesus, with a smile on my face, doodling His name in those silly notebooks, and just praising Him. It was the first peaceful night that I had had in a very long time....the night that Jesus met my pain face to face and died for it....it took a moment to process that my "weaknesses" and "flaws" and "quirks" were nothing more than nails pressed into my Saviors flesh....it took a moment to process the fact that it was my sins that had killed Him, yet He died willingly.... There was no more need to be profound, because there it was in the truth that I had been lost and I had been FOUND.

Once upon a time.....the Author of my salvation said, "It is FINISHED," and I lived happily ever after.