The Curtain

 The Curtain

She hides behind the curtain, peaking out every so often-
long enough to say hello, but never enough for a goodbye.

Behind the curtain, lies a world filled with whispering poems and fearless soldiers, slaughtered harlots, endless responses, warm embraces, and opportunites.

Hello is a war, while goodbye seems uplifting to the kind who like backwards and know only how to tiptoe. 

The poems are countless, but there's often no meaning-
...way too often...
The words often scramble onto the page, giving the impression that she has a lot to say.  So deceiving is the pen, so when it creeps, she is careful to follow in accordance to the pace.

Behind the curtain, there is laughter and so often it feels lonely to smile alone-

..and so, HELLO-

Hello to a smile and so often a need.  So many long to hear the beautiful sound...so often it goes unnoticed. 
It's echo is enticing-
BRAND NEW, and giving birth to itself every single time..
and so very rare it is indeed, to smile without a tear-
without a dirty, filthy tear. 
The tears are flowing into rivers, so as to keep them from soiling the ground, the walls, the curtain!!

~

But still, she hides behind that curtain...and the cloth becomes frayed, as more and more often fingers stroke the edges- pulling it aside at times..for a peek and breath of fullness-

AT TIMES

And even as the curtain chokes the very hope from within her,
she clings to what's left- the shredded ribbon of her protection-
drowning in her own freedom...still searching for a place to hide in her affliction.

...she hears a mighty roar...
she puts her ear to the ground and listens to the sound of approaching footsteps...

She stands up then-
eyes closed tightly...
hands lifted high into the air...
rain falling down upon her face, and becoming one with her tears as it washes them away...

And in one quick motion, Love tears down that curtain and exposes the trembling child from behind.

In one quick motion, Love pulls aside that veil-

AND-

Her Savior stands before her whispering,

"Come"

and all at once she finds herself hidden inside His outstretched Arms!  Covered and Hidden inside the curtain of Her Savior's Love.

A Psalms 91 Kind of Life

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High-
(I run to where You are! In Your Shadow I abide!)

I will say to the Lord, "My God in whom I trust!"
Safely tucked beneath Your Wings, my heart cries out,

"Enough!"

(You are more than enough.)

I need not to be afraid-
You stand in the space between the struggle and the victory.
The angry sword may strike by day and night, but even the fight will end in Your glory.

(This is YOUR story.)

Chaos!
All around me!
Oh Lord, my heart is faint within...I can't go on!
The noise consumes and the pain overwhelms..sometimes I can't find You..I want to come home!


"You will only look upon it and watch as the world falls deeper and deeper into it's own demise...
But, open your eyes!
Child-
Open your eyes!

(I've been here beside you all of your life-
I have NEVER left your side.)"


Radiant before me, a heavenly host alongside of this trembling walk.
Never moving without a command from my Father, a gentle guide from the Everlasting Rock.

Because I call out to You-
even as sharp claws and teeth relentlessly seek to destroy my life.

Because I cling to You-
salvation awaits

Because I love You-

I've been given new LIFE.

On Your Mark, Get Set..GO!!!

When I was about 2 years old, I was diagnosed with asthma; the kind of asthma that meant business.  If I caught a cold,  breathed in cold air, over-exerted myself in any way at all, or GOD FORBID came into contact with certain animals, it could mean weeks of being confined to my bed and/or living room couch.  In addition to not being able to move, there were; around-the-clock breathing treatments, constant coughing and gasping for air, vomiting, headaches, anxiety from the medication in the treatments, nightmares, sweating, trips to the ER, and worst of all- being forced to sit out on so many of the things that I wanted to be a part of.  I wanted to dance, ride horses, ice skate.... twirl a baton (I very well may have missed my calling on this one), and when I was very young, I wanted to run.  I loved doing it, and was surprisingly fast.  I could only run very short distances, however, and  I was always excused from competing, because...well...my body simply could not handle the race.  At first, I remember being discouraged by this.  I was a kid and I wanted to play!  I wanted to win!  I had full confidence that nobody could outrun me if only I were given the chance, but as time proved my lungs to be unable to keep up, I accepted it and began to embrace it.  Before the gym teacher could even get the words, "basketball", "volleyball", "soccer"...or "mile run" out of her mouth, I had a note in her hand excusing me.  I had grown to fear competition anyway, so it was a relief to not even have to try and risk the horror of failing in front of my peers. It grew from there. I found that my limitation (along with a few others that I acquired along the way), could get me out of many different things that I didn't want to deal with, and so I went from being a sickly little child who longed to get off of that couch and run, to a teenager who felt immobile.  I had learned to identify with being limited, and then took it a step further by taking up smoking.

It took almost ten years of this before I realized the severity of what I had done. I have heard people say many times over the years, that you should "be careful what you pray for."  I was desperate to even want to quit smoking at this point, and so I prayed, "Lord, please do whatever it takes to get me to quit smoking, because I just can't do this on my own. Amen."  I had a cough at the time, but it quickly took an ugly turn. I crawled out onto the porch to smoke a cigarette one morning, and as I inhaled in, feeling that familiar and excruciating pinch as the smoke hit my sickly lungs, tears began pouring down my cheeks from the force of the cough that took over my body. I crawled back inside to let my mom know that I needed a ride to the hospital.  As I took on the arduous task of getting dressed, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was taken aback by my grey complexion and thin frame.  At the hospital, I learned that I had lost 20 lbs in a week's time, had a collapsed lung, and  a serious case of pneumonia.  My body would not respond to the medication that normally treated pneumonia, and so they sent me to the I.C.U until they could better understand what was going on with me.  I remember that all I could think about was how I was going to smoke if I was trapped in the I.C.U.  Right about the time that I went into full blown panic mode, a male nurse came into the room.  He looked at me in a way that told me that whether or not I wanted him to (NOT), he was about to lecture me.  He did.  He told me that my lungs were in the same shape of a woman in her 80's...a woman in her 80's with poor lung health at that.  He told me that if I did not stop smoking, that I would most likely never make it out of my 30's.  He was not gentle.  He gave no apologies....and then to make things worse, I discovered that he was a Christian.  I realized as he was talking to me and as I not so sweetly asked him to leave me alone, that God had answered my prayer, and I was NOT happy about it!

 "I WILL NOT QUIT, GOD!!  I'M NOT READY!"

The Good Lord then explained to me that I had no choice, as my Dr. informed me that I had a rare strand of pneumonia that would require me to stay put for the next couple of weeks.  By about day 7, I came into agreement with Him and began to mourn the loss of my addiction.  It is sickening how we learn to love the things that kill us, but we do.  When nobody else had been there for me, I had learned to lean on death.  The Lord would no longer allow me to live this way, and so He grounded me.  He took His stubborn child and sent her to that hospital room until she had learned her lesson.

I have been thinking about this lately, because 7 weeks ago I decided to  take on the C25K (couch to 5 K) challenge.  It is a program that slowly gets your body used to running until ultimately you can run 3 miles straight.  As a child, I couldn't even run 1 mile without stopping, so 3 miles seemed a little overzealous at first.  My husband has been training daily for a marathon, however, and so watching him train day in and day out (plus REALLY wanting to lose my post baby weight) inspired me to push myself.  I had tried the program a couple of times before, but had to stop and start over twice due to injuries.  Why?  Because I just refused to follow the rules.  It said to run 3 days a week, so naturally I ran 6.  It said to walk more and run less at first in order to ease your body into it, so I took off like a cheetah on steroids.  Needless to say, after two failed attempts in this fashion, I decided to play by the rules.  Today marks day 1 of week 7, and I ran 25 minutes straight this morning, which rounds out to about 2 miles.  I ran 2 miles!
29 years ago, I began fighting for that breath of life, and today...I breathe!

When I said "yes" to the Lord as a child, He set my feet firmly on the ground and I eagerly began to run the race that was marked out for me.  I ran slowly at first, but as time went by I grew restless and began to speed up...until I saw a place on the side of the road where others were lounging around, refreshing themselves, and by all appearances seemed to be having a much better time than I was.
 I stopped running and joined them.
As time went by, I found that the pleasures found on the side of the road were temporary and unsatisfying.  I began stealing more and more glances at those who I could still see running in the distance.  A longing to join back in with them began to grow, but it had been so long..,and surely by now I had been disqualified.

But then...

I felt an old, familiar Hand take hold of my own.
We began to walk towards that lined pavement again, and as I looked up at Him with uncertainty in my eyes, He just nodded and gently nudged me back in with the others.
At first I ran at a slow, even pace, as my feet became familiar once again with the ground.  Soon enough though, caught up in excitement this time, I took off into a sprint!  I was flying!!  Nobody could keep up with me! I was going to get to that finish line before anybody else!

... and then I tripped...

I came crashing  down to the ground, and when I looked up for someone to help me, there was no one to be found.
So caught up in my own excitement, I hadn't even noticed that I was alone.

"What do I do? "
"What can I do? "

"WAIT." was the answer that I was given.
 "Be still, stay put, and wait."

..and so here I stand today; resting and waiting, but not idle.
 I can see such a great cloud of witnesses rounding the corner and heading my way as I stretch my legs, drink in the Living water, take a deep breath of life, NEW LIFE,  and fix my eyes on Jesus....

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."- Hebrews 12:1-3

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing."- 2 Timothy 4:7-8

Porcelain

In the porcelain stillness there are cracks- oh tragic chaos if they should dance!
If I peer closely, I can see a war on the other side of them.
 If I peer too closely, I had best be ready to fight.
 I am not.
So I cautiously tip-toe backwards to the place of rest that has been so lovingly and carefully spread out for me, and I fall-
 like a feather, I fall back into it, and I close my eyes.

Joy cometh in the morning!

It comes like a thief and grabs fistfuls of joy; so greedy as it takes more than it's filthy hands can hold...leaving bits and pieces behind, falling through the spaces in between clenched knuckles... falling into the dirt and debris that remains in it's wake...so small and irrelevant. Of what use are a few specks of yesterday's joy? They are nothing more than a fleeting thought. They are quickly dismissed and just as quickly forgotten... The thief looks over his shoulder one last time, very pleased, and then slams the door, HARD, behind him. But...as time passes..slowly... .. as the ground begins to forget... and those tiny specks of remembrance appear as nothing more than the dirt in which they dwell, a sound is almost heard... a commanding whisper..almost...put your ear to the ground and listen... the sky begins to quiver... and the earth takes a deep breath... embracing itself... and then... rain begins to fall... So slowly, beneath the earth.. unseen and quietly restrained, the seeds begin to grow. The earth appears so dark and barren, but beneath that surface, there are mighty roots shooting this way.. and that way.... but ever waiting...waiting for just the right moment..just waiting for the command... and in the secret place just beneath the surface, an electric push is felt, from the tippy toed roots to the tops of the emerging seed.. and... ALAS!! Joy breaks forth, bursting up out of the earth! Out of the darkness! Buried for such a time as this! Buried to proclaim that it will just keep rising back up again! It cannot be contained! If you've ever seen the glory that can be grown from even a speck of joy, then you have seen a glorious harvest. Unmatched in it's beauty! Joy is the most beautiful when it rises from debris

The rainbow

Thank You, Lord.
 Oh thank You, Lord.
 I was so afraid, but Your love has come to save...
 No weapon that is formed against me shall prosper,
 Forgive me, I have been so lost,
Oh Lord. Forgive me, I've been gone for so long...and my soul, it just kept on singing that song.
 My heart was so hard. How did it ever go that far?
 Lord, I'm here now. Abiding in Your love. Your presence overwhelms me. Lord, I know how much You love me.
 I'll never know the reason. I'll never know the cost But all is found now...all has not been lost.
 Deliver me, Lord. I'm here for You Lord- to seek Your love upon my heart.. It's not much but it's a start. Oh hear me, Lord, I hear Your words in ways that I haven't for so long. It's been so long...it's been so long. The day is drawing near, but gone are all of my fears. The tears are sowing love...sowing love...sowing seeds of love...Your rain is falling from above...seeds of righteousness, being rained on with Your love. Lord..righteousness..righteous Lord, I call.. I give You my all, as I lay this at your feet- a fragrance as I pour it out, it is so sweet, as I pour it on your feet.
 Forgiven. I'm forgiven. The one forgiven much loves much, and that is me- I'm forgiven, yes forgiven, the aroma in my hair is so sweet.
 Oh Lord, I come in to the presence of your love. Oh Lord, I want more. I want more. It's never enough. The waters came (oh how they came), but they washed away, they washed away so much pain. Yes, the waters came.. and they came... and they came... But, when they left, so did the pain!

To write a song

In this quiet I can feel the shadows whisper, asking, "When? When can we start screaming?" I calmly wait beyond this hissing, with softly spoken promises..believing.
 I come from light and when I shine, the darkness falls to it's knees and ground's made holy.. as His presence fills the place where I stand, or often kneel with hands that are folding.
 A day goes by so quickly when Your love intertwines with heart and hands. A year goes by so slowly...an hour of hopeless turmoil when devil's dance.
 But YOU Oh Lord, You are making me new, and I have been wearing this size for so long. These tattered clothes are tightly constricting, and I want to look pretty for You when I sing my song! I haven't read the words yet that I will sing, but I hear the Melody in my heart, and I know that when my voice comes forth it will run to where You are... and return with the recompense of love that was lost and I will rejoice at the gain and won't ponder at the cost... and who knows if I will ever stop singing?

proFOUND

Once upon a time, I thought I was a writer.....

Each night, I would pull out my journal and get to work; it was the exclamation point of each day. I would scribble down every single fleeting thought, trying to catch this PROFOUND truth that I just knew was hidden inside of me just waiting to be released...I truly thought that there was something of GRAVE importance that the world needed to hear, and so I would write down every last one of those manic and desperate thoughts, trying to capture what it was. When I WAS FINISHED, I would then call my sister and read it all out loud to her in the hopes that she would gasp at my unbelievably ingenious thought processes and something big would happen! I am not quite sure how I expected it all to happen, but I knew what I was after; FREEDOM! Amidst this grandiose delusion, I really thought that once I could purge this creative monster from within myself, that I would finally understand and find this freedom that I so fervently sought after. One day.....I did.


There I was, on my bedroom floor, 23 years old and surrounded by papers torn out of notebooks, strands of hair torn out of my head, and tears pouring out of my eyes.....with a Bible in front of me. "I'll try this one more time!!" I seemed to scream! I opened my Bible then,and as naughty child with little but desperate and broken faith I randomly pointed to a passage inside:

"Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.

Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile.

When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long.

For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer.

I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid.

I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin.

For this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee IN A TIME WHEN THOU MAYEST BE FOUND: surely in the floods of great waters they shall not come nigh unto him.

Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance.

I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.

Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which have no understanding: whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, lest they come near unto thee.

Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the Lord, mercy shall compass him about.

Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart."

PSALMS 32

CLICK!! A light switch was turned on and the blurry places became clear. I began confessing the ugliness...a puddle of tears as my witness.... a magnifying glass pressed against my mind, against my heart, against my body, and against my SOUL! "FORGIVE ME, LORD!" I cried...and CRIED...and CRIED!!! And then....I was FORGIVEN! I bet I looked so silly in that moment! There I was, and it was everything that I could do to keep from dancing!

"You love me??? It's not too late for me?? Even though you saw 'this'...and 'that'....and even 'THAT?' It's gone?"
I had walked into that bedroom that night draped in bitterness, anger, shame, and guilt...a cloak that I had worn with protective pride for a very long time....so to find myself there, naked and forgiven....

I was less alone in that moment, than I believe I have ever felt in my entire life. It was if I could hear the Angels rooting me on, "Go Laura! Go Laura! " I was in the presence of my Lord, and I knew it. I had always believed that Jesus Christ had come to the earth and died for my sins on the cross, but I don't think that I had ever understood what that meant exactly until that moment. I had never felt forgiven. I had heard the words, but I had never felt them.
".... every one that is godly pray unto thee IN A TIME WHEN THOU MAYEST BE FOUND...." rang through my ears as a love song written just for me. I had been found! Me! Laura Traugott! This wretched mess of a person was worth dying for on a cross.... The cynical voice said, "...this isn't going to last! Don't fall for it!" but I spent the rest of the night falling in love with Jesus, with a smile on my face, doodling His name in those silly notebooks, and just praising Him. It was the first peaceful night that I had had in a very long time....the night that Jesus met my pain face to face and died for it....it took a moment to process that my "weaknesses" and "flaws" and "quirks" were nothing more than nails pressed into my Saviors flesh....it took a moment to process the fact that it was my sins that had killed Him, yet He died willingly.... There was no more need to be profound, because there it was in the truth that I had been lost and I had been FOUND.

Once upon a time.....the Author of my salvation said, "It is FINISHED," and I lived happily ever after.