The Curtain

 The Curtain

She hides behind the curtain, peaking out every so often-
long enough to say hello, but never enough for a goodbye.

Behind the curtain, lies a world filled with whispering poems and fearless soldiers, slaughtered harlots, endless responses, warm embraces, and opportunites.

Hello is a war, while goodbye seems uplifting to the kind who like backwards and know only how to tiptoe. 

The poems are countless, but there's often no meaning-
...way too often...
The words often scramble onto the page, giving the impression that she has a lot to say.  So deceiving is the pen, so when it creeps, she is careful to follow in accordance to the pace.

Behind the curtain, there is laughter and so often it feels lonely to smile alone-

..and so, HELLO-

Hello to a smile and so often a need.  So many long to hear the beautiful sound...so often it goes unnoticed. 
It's echo is enticing-
BRAND NEW, and giving birth to itself every single time..
and so very rare it is indeed, to smile without a tear-
without a dirty, filthy tear. 
The tears are flowing into rivers, so as to keep them from soiling the ground, the walls, the curtain!!

~

But still, she hides behind that curtain...and the cloth becomes frayed, as more and more often fingers stroke the edges- pulling it aside at times..for a peek and breath of fullness-

AT TIMES

And even as the curtain chokes the very hope from within her,
she clings to what's left- the shredded ribbon of her protection-
drowning in her own freedom...still searching for a place to hide in her affliction.

...she hears a mighty roar...
she puts her ear to the ground and listens to the sound of approaching footsteps...

She stands up then-
eyes closed tightly...
hands lifted high into the air...
rain falling down upon her face, and becoming one with her tears as it washes them away...

And in one quick motion, Love tears down that curtain and exposes the trembling child from behind.

In one quick motion, Love pulls aside that veil-

AND-

Her Savior stands before her whispering,

"Come"

and all at once she finds herself hidden inside His outstretched Arms!  Covered and Hidden inside the curtain of Her Savior's Love.

A Psalms 91 Kind of Life

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High-
(I run to where You are! In Your Shadow I abide!)

I will say to the Lord, "My God in whom I trust!"
Safely tucked beneath Your Wings, my heart cries out,

"Enough!"

(You are more than enough.)

I need not to be afraid-
You stand in the space between the struggle and the victory.
The angry sword may strike by day and night, but even the fight will end in Your glory.

(This is YOUR story.)

Chaos!
All around me!
Oh Lord, my heart is faint within...I can't go on!
The noise consumes and the pain overwhelms..sometimes I can't find You..I want to come home!


"You will only look upon it and watch as the world falls deeper and deeper into it's own demise...
But, open your eyes!
Child-
Open your eyes!

(I've been here beside you all of your life-
I have NEVER left your side.)"


Radiant before me, a heavenly host alongside of this trembling walk.
Never moving without a command from my Father, a gentle guide from the Everlasting Rock.

Because I call out to You-
even as sharp claws and teeth relentlessly seek to destroy my life.

Because I cling to You-
salvation awaits

Because I love You-

I've been given new LIFE.

Forgiveness

Pardon me while I ramble on about forgiveness for a little bit.  I have seen quite a few people who are struggling GREATLY in this area lately.  As a matter of fact, this is one of the reasons that I take leave from facebook occasionally.  It isn't just one of "those" friends either...you know the kind of friends that I am talking about; the ones who you just block after a day or two of realizing that every word that comes out of their mouth is negative?  (If I just made you paranoid then I'm not talking about you, because those people truly do not care if they offend.)  I see it from people that I love deeply and it bothers me.  It bothers me for many reasons, but mainly because I know that forgiveness is essential to walking with the Lord.  We cannot fellowship with the Lord and carry around bitterness.  How do I know this?  Because I have tried...and not just years and years go, but like last week..and the week before that...etc...  I could come up with lots of reasons for it (and I will give you a few just to keep myself from despairing, lol) HORMONES, ISOLATION, REJECTION, CHEMICAL IMBALANCE, SPIRITUAL WARFARE....I am good at this, so I could go on and on, but at the end of the day...I am asked to do the impossible sometimes, and to forgive everyone, of every single obnoxious or hurtful thing that they throw at me.  Sometimes I feel unable to, and then I find myself about 6 feet deep in a hole that I cannot crawl out of, and so ONCE AGAIN, Jesus throws a rope back down to me and I get back up off my knees and climb up into His arms.  Think about that.  That rope He throws down has a name.  Can you guess what it is? "FORGIVENESS" ..and what a beautiful name it is!  So there I am with a BIG OL' grin on my face standing with my Lord, when up walks that obnoxious "Bitterness" painted up again in whichever form she has chosen for the moment.  "Well, I'll take care of this," I think to myself, and I push her right into the hole I just crawled out of....because...I mean, can you believe the audacity of  (insert name) to cause these horrible feelings inside of me?!? I look to Jesus then to get a high five, and do you know what I see?  I see that I am  standing right next to Bitterness in that hole once AGAIN. 
You get the picture. It isn't pretty....So when I see people that I love not only struggling with forgiving each other, but embracing "Bitterness" and naming her "Just"...naturally, I want to shove them into the hole...right? lol.  No seriously, it doesn't just upset me...it concerns me. 


Why does it concern me? 

"But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins"- Matthew 6:15- JESUS

You might feel justified at the moment, but is it worth it?

You say, "But you don't understand! What they did was too much...I can't forgive them!"

Is it worth it?

"But they are still doing it!"- BUT IS IT WORTH IT?

"See, I have set before thee this day life and good, and death and evil" Deuteronomy 12:15- CHOOSE LIFE! Don't take sides with the enemy of your soul! Don't be an ambassador for your own destruction!

Are you really willing to allow what they have done to you, steal your peace on top of it?

What if Jesus used the measure against you that you are using against this other person? Is it worth it then, because guess what? HE DOES.-  "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:2

Can you live up to your own standard?

I know that I sure can't, so why don't we do ourselves and everyone else around us a favor, and FORGIVE THEM! FOR EVERYTHING! Why? BECAUSE HE FORGAVE US, AND HE IS WORTH IT! 

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good- Romans 12:17-21


One final thought though...if you are like me, and even though you know all of this to be true, you still struggle at times to simply LET THINGS GO, take comfort in these next couple of scriptures and apply them (as opposed to using them as an excuse to stay in the hole) to your life until you are back up on your feet:


"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."- 1 John 1:9


"Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us."-Romans 8:34

and finally...

"My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense--Jesus Christ, the Righteous One."-1 John 2:1

On Your Mark, Get Set..GO!!!

When I was about 2 years old, I was diagnosed with asthma; the kind of asthma that meant business.  If I caught a cold,  breathed in cold air, over-exerted myself in any way at all, or GOD FORBID came into contact with certain animals, it could mean weeks of being confined to my bed and/or living room couch.  In addition to not being able to move, there were; around-the-clock breathing treatments, constant coughing and gasping for air, vomiting, headaches, anxiety from the medication in the treatments, nightmares, sweating, trips to the ER, and worst of all- being forced to sit out on so many of the things that I wanted to be a part of.  I wanted to dance, ride horses, ice skate.... twirl a baton (I very well may have missed my calling on this one), and when I was very young, I wanted to run.  I loved doing it, and was surprisingly fast.  I could only run very short distances, however, and  I was always excused from competing, because...well...my body simply could not handle the race.  At first, I remember being discouraged by this.  I was a kid and I wanted to play!  I wanted to win!  I had full confidence that nobody could outrun me if only I were given the chance, but as time proved my lungs to be unable to keep up, I accepted it and began to embrace it.  Before the gym teacher could even get the words, "basketball", "volleyball", "soccer"...or "mile run" out of her mouth, I had a note in her hand excusing me.  I had grown to fear competition anyway, so it was a relief to not even have to try and risk the horror of failing in front of my peers. It grew from there. I found that my limitation (along with a few others that I acquired along the way), could get me out of many different things that I didn't want to deal with, and so I went from being a sickly little child who longed to get off of that couch and run, to a teenager who felt immobile.  I had learned to identify with being limited, and then took it a step further by taking up smoking.

It took almost ten years of this before I realized the severity of what I had done. I have heard people say many times over the years, that you should "be careful what you pray for."  I was desperate to even want to quit smoking at this point, and so I prayed, "Lord, please do whatever it takes to get me to quit smoking, because I just can't do this on my own. Amen."  I had a cough at the time, but it quickly took an ugly turn. I crawled out onto the porch to smoke a cigarette one morning, and as I inhaled in, feeling that familiar and excruciating pinch as the smoke hit my sickly lungs, tears began pouring down my cheeks from the force of the cough that took over my body. I crawled back inside to let my mom know that I needed a ride to the hospital.  As I took on the arduous task of getting dressed, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was taken aback by my grey complexion and thin frame.  At the hospital, I learned that I had lost 20 lbs in a week's time, had a collapsed lung, and  a serious case of pneumonia.  My body would not respond to the medication that normally treated pneumonia, and so they sent me to the I.C.U until they could better understand what was going on with me.  I remember that all I could think about was how I was going to smoke if I was trapped in the I.C.U.  Right about the time that I went into full blown panic mode, a male nurse came into the room.  He looked at me in a way that told me that whether or not I wanted him to (NOT), he was about to lecture me.  He did.  He told me that my lungs were in the same shape of a woman in her 80's...a woman in her 80's with poor lung health at that.  He told me that if I did not stop smoking, that I would most likely never make it out of my 30's.  He was not gentle.  He gave no apologies....and then to make things worse, I discovered that he was a Christian.  I realized as he was talking to me and as I not so sweetly asked him to leave me alone, that God had answered my prayer, and I was NOT happy about it!

 "I WILL NOT QUIT, GOD!!  I'M NOT READY!"

The Good Lord then explained to me that I had no choice, as my Dr. informed me that I had a rare strand of pneumonia that would require me to stay put for the next couple of weeks.  By about day 7, I came into agreement with Him and began to mourn the loss of my addiction.  It is sickening how we learn to love the things that kill us, but we do.  When nobody else had been there for me, I had learned to lean on death.  The Lord would no longer allow me to live this way, and so He grounded me.  He took His stubborn child and sent her to that hospital room until she had learned her lesson.

I have been thinking about this lately, because 7 weeks ago I decided to  take on the C25K (couch to 5 K) challenge.  It is a program that slowly gets your body used to running until ultimately you can run 3 miles straight.  As a child, I couldn't even run 1 mile without stopping, so 3 miles seemed a little overzealous at first.  My husband has been training daily for a marathon, however, and so watching him train day in and day out (plus REALLY wanting to lose my post baby weight) inspired me to push myself.  I had tried the program a couple of times before, but had to stop and start over twice due to injuries.  Why?  Because I just refused to follow the rules.  It said to run 3 days a week, so naturally I ran 6.  It said to walk more and run less at first in order to ease your body into it, so I took off like a cheetah on steroids.  Needless to say, after two failed attempts in this fashion, I decided to play by the rules.  Today marks day 1 of week 7, and I ran 25 minutes straight this morning, which rounds out to about 2 miles.  I ran 2 miles!
29 years ago, I began fighting for that breath of life, and today...I breathe!

When I said "yes" to the Lord as a child, He set my feet firmly on the ground and I eagerly began to run the race that was marked out for me.  I ran slowly at first, but as time went by I grew restless and began to speed up...until I saw a place on the side of the road where others were lounging around, refreshing themselves, and by all appearances seemed to be having a much better time than I was.
 I stopped running and joined them.
As time went by, I found that the pleasures found on the side of the road were temporary and unsatisfying.  I began stealing more and more glances at those who I could still see running in the distance.  A longing to join back in with them began to grow, but it had been so long..,and surely by now I had been disqualified.

But then...

I felt an old, familiar Hand take hold of my own.
We began to walk towards that lined pavement again, and as I looked up at Him with uncertainty in my eyes, He just nodded and gently nudged me back in with the others.
At first I ran at a slow, even pace, as my feet became familiar once again with the ground.  Soon enough though, caught up in excitement this time, I took off into a sprint!  I was flying!!  Nobody could keep up with me! I was going to get to that finish line before anybody else!

... and then I tripped...

I came crashing  down to the ground, and when I looked up for someone to help me, there was no one to be found.
So caught up in my own excitement, I hadn't even noticed that I was alone.

"What do I do? "
"What can I do? "

"WAIT." was the answer that I was given.
 "Be still, stay put, and wait."

..and so here I stand today; resting and waiting, but not idle.
 I can see such a great cloud of witnesses rounding the corner and heading my way as I stretch my legs, drink in the Living water, take a deep breath of life, NEW LIFE,  and fix my eyes on Jesus....

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."- Hebrews 12:1-3

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing."- 2 Timothy 4:7-8

To Struggle with Goodbye

Well, today was the last day of school!  While kids all around us were cheering and bursting through doors, tripping over each other to get outside to their freedom, there my child stood; feet planted firmly into the ground.  With crocodile tears running down her cheeks, and her teacher standing helplessly beside her looking from her face to mine with an expression that told me that this was not something that she had been prepared for, Savannah stood screaming at the top of her lungs, "NOOO!!! I don't want Kindergarten to be over! I don't want to leave Mrs. Heilman!" 

I have been trying to prepare Savannah for this day for a few months now, but haven't been able to convince her that school ending for the Summer is anything but the end of the world.  For her, it is. Savannah's heart doesn't play by the rules; the rules that insist that there will come a time when she should cease to cling and gracefully walk away; the unspoken rule that states that love is temporary sometimes.  When Savannah loves someone she loves them deeply, treasuring every single moment with them, and even as she says hello..her heart is dreading the goodbye.  She loves Kindergarten, and she loves Mrs.Heilman.  As I watched her screaming and clinging to her teacher, I  almost grabbed her and told her to snap out of it, but would that have been the right thing to tell that heart?  That love isn't worth that pain?  That love calmly walks away?  That love is restrained?  Wouldn't that have made me a liar? Instead, I began to cry right along with her...and then her teacher did as well.  

I'm sure that the significance of this event would seem to be nothing more than an emotional fit by an over-dramatic little girl to a lot of people. I am also positive that some parents would believe that I handled the situation poorly by not telling her to calm down and "get herself together", but they don't know my Savannah like I do.  I know her heart, because I have one just like it. The girl inherited her mama's struggle with goodbye.  It should be so difficult to teach a lesson to your child that you struggle with yourself, but isn't it a beautiful thing how the Lord teaches?  It is the easiest to give advice about the things that we know.  I can tell her that it is okay to grieve for these things and to take her time.  I can explain to her that the Lord made her heart this way for a reason.  I can teach her that when she loves Jesus that way, that not only does she never have to say goodbye, but that she is actually reflecting a sliver of the same urgency in which He loves her.  It isn't shameful...because goodbye doesn't come so easy to Him either. Does His love "play by the rules"?  Does He ever "cease to cling and gracefully walk away"?  Is it ever temporary?  No, He plants Himself firmly into our hearts and screams, "YOU ARE WORTH THE PAIN!  I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU!"

I can tell her these things, because these are the things that my own heartbreaks and struggle with goodbye have taught me. So what came first?  Was my struggle my own, or was it to glean wisdom to help my child through her heartbreaks?  In the Lord's omniscience, I'd say that the answer is both.    

   

I will abide

I will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
Who else but the Most High has a shadow of light?
May the reflection of my walk be light as is Yours, oh Lord.
The Spring has come.
I feel like growing!
My head falls back and the rain falls upon my smile.
Rooted and established in this place beneath the Son, I will abide.
Even when the wind blows my pedals in and out of the places where light meets dark, I will abide.
Even when weeds grow around me, reach for me, and threaten to strangle and overtake my fragile frame, I will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
Life will be sustained.
A breath of life; the cool and damp soil  beneath the bright green limbs of my deliverance burst forth.
A soft breeze, a touch of warmth upon my face, the beams of light emerging from behind the bountiful clouds, pregnant with rain for the days of drought.
 Yes, here in the shadow of the Almighty, I will abide.

Porcelain

In the porcelain stillness there are cracks- oh tragic chaos if they should dance!
If I peer closely, I can see a war on the other side of them.
 If I peer too closely, I had best be ready to fight.
 I am not.
So I cautiously tip-toe backwards to the place of rest that has been so lovingly and carefully spread out for me, and I fall-
 like a feather, I fall back into it, and I close my eyes.

Joy cometh in the morning!

It comes like a thief and grabs fistfuls of joy; so greedy as it takes more than it's filthy hands can hold...leaving bits and pieces behind, falling through the spaces in between clenched knuckles... falling into the dirt and debris that remains in it's wake...so small and irrelevant. Of what use are a few specks of yesterday's joy? They are nothing more than a fleeting thought. They are quickly dismissed and just as quickly forgotten... The thief looks over his shoulder one last time, very pleased, and then slams the door, HARD, behind him. But...as time passes..slowly... .. as the ground begins to forget... and those tiny specks of remembrance appear as nothing more than the dirt in which they dwell, a sound is almost heard... a commanding whisper..almost...put your ear to the ground and listen... the sky begins to quiver... and the earth takes a deep breath... embracing itself... and then... rain begins to fall... So slowly, beneath the earth.. unseen and quietly restrained, the seeds begin to grow. The earth appears so dark and barren, but beneath that surface, there are mighty roots shooting this way.. and that way.... but ever waiting...waiting for just the right moment..just waiting for the command... and in the secret place just beneath the surface, an electric push is felt, from the tippy toed roots to the tops of the emerging seed.. and... ALAS!! Joy breaks forth, bursting up out of the earth! Out of the darkness! Buried for such a time as this! Buried to proclaim that it will just keep rising back up again! It cannot be contained! If you've ever seen the glory that can be grown from even a speck of joy, then you have seen a glorious harvest. Unmatched in it's beauty! Joy is the most beautiful when it rises from debris

Mighty King!

Oh Mighty King

You come to me....to hear me sing

all praises to

You, The Mighty King

I have been pulled from the darkest of nights

to proclaim that I am free

I will proclaim praises to You, all of my life-

my Mighty King 

by nothing that I have done, but all that You endured-

Your matchless Grace and love 

all of the honor is YOURS!

Oh Mighty King

You come to me...to hear me sing

all praises to

You, The Mighty King

To think that You would turn an ear to my voice

to hear me echo that You love me (You do so love me)

This is my joy!

This is the joy, to which I sing

This is the wonder that makes me so free

free to sing praises to the Mighty King!

free to proclaim that You are the Mighty King!

Adventures in walking Savannah to school :)

Today, as I was walking Savannah to school and pushing Asher along in the stroller, I started thinking about something. There is a perfect little path that leads to her school that we walk every single day, and every morning and afternoon, effortlessly, and with the grace of a swan I glide along this path until the moment that those wheels touch the gravel of the pebbled playground that stands between us and our destination...and then something changes.. Suddenly, the stroller ride becomes a bumpy trek; a torrential undertaking of the vast sea of pebble! My posture distorts as I furiously push through those tiny rocks in desperation to get to the other side. As I push down and out, grinding those wheels into the depths of the ground, I am increasingly slowed down, and actually (embarrassingly) out of breath by the time that we get to the other side...too tired to even enjoy the sweet, sweet victory... But today, I tried a different method. Instead of leaning forward, pushing harder, and speeding up; today, I stood up straight and sloooowwwllly pressed onward. I didn't try and muster up any more strength than was at my natural disposal As I went with only the strength that I had in the moment, a funny thing happened. I crossed that sucker in record time; perfectly postured, and with the carefree lungs of a gazelle! Wonderful how Poppa can teach us life lessons through even the most casual and seemingly silly things in life. That path is perfectly laid out to reach it's destination. It is smooth and narrow, until the moment before you get where you're going...then suddenly there is a choice to make; to strive or cooperate? To try as hard as I can, or trust Him to gently and slowly get me to my own destination with what strength I have been given? I will probably giggle every time that I get to the playground now and SLOW those wheels to a screeching halt before pressing gently forward, and I imagine that poor, little Asher will appreciate not having shake, rattle, and stroll in the future as well!

The rainbow

Thank You, Lord.
 Oh thank You, Lord.
 I was so afraid, but Your love has come to save...
 No weapon that is formed against me shall prosper,
 Forgive me, I have been so lost,
Oh Lord. Forgive me, I've been gone for so long...and my soul, it just kept on singing that song.
 My heart was so hard. How did it ever go that far?
 Lord, I'm here now. Abiding in Your love. Your presence overwhelms me. Lord, I know how much You love me.
 I'll never know the reason. I'll never know the cost But all is found now...all has not been lost.
 Deliver me, Lord. I'm here for You Lord- to seek Your love upon my heart.. It's not much but it's a start. Oh hear me, Lord, I hear Your words in ways that I haven't for so long. It's been so long...it's been so long. The day is drawing near, but gone are all of my fears. The tears are sowing love...sowing love...sowing seeds of love...Your rain is falling from above...seeds of righteousness, being rained on with Your love. Lord..righteousness..righteous Lord, I call.. I give You my all, as I lay this at your feet- a fragrance as I pour it out, it is so sweet, as I pour it on your feet.
 Forgiven. I'm forgiven. The one forgiven much loves much, and that is me- I'm forgiven, yes forgiven, the aroma in my hair is so sweet.
 Oh Lord, I come in to the presence of your love. Oh Lord, I want more. I want more. It's never enough. The waters came (oh how they came), but they washed away, they washed away so much pain. Yes, the waters came.. and they came... and they came... But, when they left, so did the pain!

Again

Learning to walk again-
 Oh, but these restless legs, how they love to run!
Learning to see again-
eyes wide open, Oh beautiful daughter that I've become!
 Learning to lean again-
embracing this cross, Oh sacred tree to catch the fall.
 Learning to believe again-
at the foot of the alter, Oh Lord I give You all!
 Learning to trust again-
 in the very Name that gives me hope.
Learning to love again-
                                        with faith, oh Jesus, I cling to Your healing yoke!

To write a song

In this quiet I can feel the shadows whisper, asking, "When? When can we start screaming?" I calmly wait beyond this hissing, with softly spoken promises..believing.
 I come from light and when I shine, the darkness falls to it's knees and ground's made holy.. as His presence fills the place where I stand, or often kneel with hands that are folding.
 A day goes by so quickly when Your love intertwines with heart and hands. A year goes by so slowly...an hour of hopeless turmoil when devil's dance.
 But YOU Oh Lord, You are making me new, and I have been wearing this size for so long. These tattered clothes are tightly constricting, and I want to look pretty for You when I sing my song! I haven't read the words yet that I will sing, but I hear the Melody in my heart, and I know that when my voice comes forth it will run to where You are... and return with the recompense of love that was lost and I will rejoice at the gain and won't ponder at the cost... and who knows if I will ever stop singing?

Crowned

The promise of peace amid this chaos, Lord- This is the desire of my heart. With too many thoughts to reign in-
 too many feelings to sort-
 it is hard to hear You..You seem so far.
 I am passing through these waters-
 You are the anchor for my soul. Please pull me to the surface, Lord, the water's thick..the river's cold. My feet are tied to rocks. My hands feel tied behind my back. I call upon Your Holy throne Oh Lord, please come and stand here where I lack. PEACE! I need to be delivered. I am a prisoner of this weight. To be redeemed, it is the promise...and here I am...and here I'll wait! I am a child shivering in a dark place. I am a broken child lashing out. I know not what I do...or where I'm going... my mind so full of anguish and screaming doubts. Somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow, torn between my joy and my sorrow, I see the picture of hope as it stands... a woman in a crown... she was so lost but oh so found! she said she couldn't, but oh how You say she can!

In the dark I have learned to wait

I desire to KNOW You Lord, with every breath that I breathe "without" You Lord. The TRUTH, I speak it out, Oh Lord, to calm this sea of doubts... Oh Lord...
I seek to plant a bed of roses. I toil away as if I'm new at this. Oh Master Gardener, please guide these shaky hands..
and fists... so full of seeds.. ( I don't want a garden full of weeds.)
 I think that I have learned to smile again, Poppa, do You see it on my heart? I am not the filthy wretch that I had painted of myself; I am radiant because You are.
 My eyes have been so blind, my ears so full of lies... I couldn't hear You say, "I love you" and I couldn't find the strength to rise-
 from the ashes of despair, where Your face is so far away... there is no hope without salvation, and in the dark I have learned to wait-
for the almighty Hand that can both comfort and teach... sometimes the very lesson in that restraint is simply knowing... to reach
To dance again...to love again...to be lifted from my knees-
 the song is so beautiful, my heart beats to the rhythm..beats....beats....to the rhythm..beats...beats...

Just Listen

Guard my words and guard my steps, Lord; I tend to ramble when afraid. Guide Your words to broken ears; I tend to expect them to be painful when I'm trembling. My stubborn mind can be made up so hastily; especially in desperate times. The healing of Your love it so desires- "Lord please don't let me fall before I'm lifted." When I enter Your House, may it be in anticipation of listening- of listening- without giving- without trying- without relating- without judging. When thoughts are abundant- Lord, please hold my tongue. When words creep to the surface with a pounding heart, I must not have paid attention.
Amen.

Lord, please don't let me fall before I'm lifted

These are my random thoughts....if they sound dark at times, it's because I am being honest...if they are lame at times...it's because I am being honest.

"Lord, please don't let me fall before I'm lifted." I used to pray with remorse and white knuckles; my heart pounding to the rhythm of my pleas. One night You stood me up and I thought I'd never fall again.....but..."Lord, please don't let me fall before I'm lifted!" My eyes are closed so tight; fingers in my ears, but oh how free my mouth is! Bind it shut! Bind my mouth and open my eyes! Pull the fingers from my ears, but quiet my own voice so I can hear! I cannot live in the gray as before. I am not even welcome there anymore, but I feel shunned by the white. I pretend black isn't even a word, although it has taken up residence in the place between my fingertips and my eyelids. I cry out to You from morning until night- "Lord, please don't let me fall before I'm lifted!"
Amen.

proFOUND

Once upon a time, I thought I was a writer.....

Each night, I would pull out my journal and get to work; it was the exclamation point of each day. I would scribble down every single fleeting thought, trying to catch this PROFOUND truth that I just knew was hidden inside of me just waiting to be released...I truly thought that there was something of GRAVE importance that the world needed to hear, and so I would write down every last one of those manic and desperate thoughts, trying to capture what it was. When I WAS FINISHED, I would then call my sister and read it all out loud to her in the hopes that she would gasp at my unbelievably ingenious thought processes and something big would happen! I am not quite sure how I expected it all to happen, but I knew what I was after; FREEDOM! Amidst this grandiose delusion, I really thought that once I could purge this creative monster from within myself, that I would finally understand and find this freedom that I so fervently sought after. One day.....I did.


There I was, on my bedroom floor, 23 years old and surrounded by papers torn out of notebooks, strands of hair torn out of my head, and tears pouring out of my eyes.....with a Bible in front of me. "I'll try this one more time!!" I seemed to scream! I opened my Bible then,and as naughty child with little but desperate and broken faith I randomly pointed to a passage inside:

"Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.

Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile.

When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long.

For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer.

I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid.

I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin.

For this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee IN A TIME WHEN THOU MAYEST BE FOUND: surely in the floods of great waters they shall not come nigh unto him.

Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance.

I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.

Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which have no understanding: whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, lest they come near unto thee.

Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the Lord, mercy shall compass him about.

Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart."

PSALMS 32

CLICK!! A light switch was turned on and the blurry places became clear. I began confessing the ugliness...a puddle of tears as my witness.... a magnifying glass pressed against my mind, against my heart, against my body, and against my SOUL! "FORGIVE ME, LORD!" I cried...and CRIED...and CRIED!!! And then....I was FORGIVEN! I bet I looked so silly in that moment! There I was, and it was everything that I could do to keep from dancing!

"You love me??? It's not too late for me?? Even though you saw 'this'...and 'that'....and even 'THAT?' It's gone?"
I had walked into that bedroom that night draped in bitterness, anger, shame, and guilt...a cloak that I had worn with protective pride for a very long time....so to find myself there, naked and forgiven....

I was less alone in that moment, than I believe I have ever felt in my entire life. It was if I could hear the Angels rooting me on, "Go Laura! Go Laura! " I was in the presence of my Lord, and I knew it. I had always believed that Jesus Christ had come to the earth and died for my sins on the cross, but I don't think that I had ever understood what that meant exactly until that moment. I had never felt forgiven. I had heard the words, but I had never felt them.
".... every one that is godly pray unto thee IN A TIME WHEN THOU MAYEST BE FOUND...." rang through my ears as a love song written just for me. I had been found! Me! Laura Traugott! This wretched mess of a person was worth dying for on a cross.... The cynical voice said, "...this isn't going to last! Don't fall for it!" but I spent the rest of the night falling in love with Jesus, with a smile on my face, doodling His name in those silly notebooks, and just praising Him. It was the first peaceful night that I had had in a very long time....the night that Jesus met my pain face to face and died for it....it took a moment to process that my "weaknesses" and "flaws" and "quirks" were nothing more than nails pressed into my Saviors flesh....it took a moment to process the fact that it was my sins that had killed Him, yet He died willingly.... There was no more need to be profound, because there it was in the truth that I had been lost and I had been FOUND.

Once upon a time.....the Author of my salvation said, "It is FINISHED," and I lived happily ever after.